


sing me to sleep

by elizabetharris



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: 1980's, Anxiety, Bi-Curiosity, Daddy Issues, Dead Poets Society - Freeform, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Gay, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Music, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Poetry, Sad Ending, Slow Burn, SocialAnxiety, Stuttering, Suicide Attempt, Theatre, Work In Progress, anderperry, cuties tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:00:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27122857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabetharris/pseuds/elizabetharris
Summary: “I’m sorry, how can you even dare to criticize my voice when you sound like that ??” Todd teased him.Neil glared at him. “I thought this was a no judgement zone. Let me have my fun.”“Oh, I see how it is. We only agree with things when they’re to our benefit.”“That sounds about right.”Todd groaned in defeat. “Fine, I suppose I can survive the rest of the night with your awful walrus voice.”“You can and you will,” Neil said with finality.They stopped talking and let the music wash over them, both joining in when they knew the words, neither of them being even vaguely in tune, but choosing to enjoy themselves anyways. Neil stood up on top of his bed and began to dance, kicking his legs wildly and spinning around, his head nearly hitting the ceiling. He jumped up and down on the bed, completely forgetting that the springs might break, lifting a fake microphone to his mouth and yelling out the words. Todd looked up at him in amazement. He looked half between amusement and awe, but a few seconds later, he too had jumped up on his bed and was dancing with Neil, yelling loudly as he could.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 14
Kudos: 107





	1. once again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The almost gothic metal fence that wound its way around the school covered in cobwebs and dust but somehow the way the dark iron wound together still managed to be beautiful. The way the trees were planted strategically throughout the grounds so that when the weather got cold and the summer turned to fall, which happened quite early in Vermont, the leaves always fell, red and gold on the ground, landing so perfectly that the main walkway to the building was never smothered by them. The stone towers that rose into the sky where you could sneak in the middle of the night to complete your tons of homework or to stare absentmindedly of the stars and be reminded of what it was like to actually live. That was a feeling you rarely got at Welton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, this is the first chapter of this book. I'm hoping it'll end up at around 70k words and 20 chapters, but we'll see what happens. I've wanted to write this for a while so I'm glad to finally start, and I hope you guys enjoy it!

Silence muffled the room, laying down on Neil like a thick cloud. The heat of the first of September coming in through the closed windows like water through cracks in the floor. The women were fanning themselves while the boys and their fathers sat there in their thick sweaters and jackets and their stretched collared shirts worn only to look “presentable,” as the sweat dripped down their backs and drenched them slowly. Neil didn’t want to be here. Ever since the first year he had gone to Wellton Academy when he was 11, he had begged and begged his parents to not make him come back. Every year he received the same answer.

“This is a great opportunity for you Neil.”

“You’re so lucky you get to go to this school, I never had opportunities like these.”

“Don’t you dare be ungrateful, I’ve worked so hard to get you here.”

“You’ll be grateful for this when you get into a good college and become a doctor.”

Neil didn’t want to become a doctor, but it's not like that mattered.

The sound of bagpipes echoed through the room and broke Neil from his stupor. He turned to see the procession led by his friend Charlie who walked slowly down the carpeted aisle and surreptitiously rolled his eyes at Neil as he passed. Neil looked up to the ceiling stifling a laugh, the banners being carried down to the pulpit read, “Tradition, Honor, Discipline, Excellence.” Complete bullshit if you asked him.

Neil wasn’t the kind of student who blatantly disobeyed the rules or tried their best to make trouble. In fact he was almost the opposite of that, model student always achieving good grades. All the teachers liked him, he participated in class and seemed to know every right answer. His homework was always turned in on time and everyone at the school loved him. Neil loved learning, the feeling of understanding, of gaining new information and being able to apply it, but this school with all its strict rules and harsh policies, forcing students to behave exactly as they believed was correct, was an absolute hell for Neil Perry. The only reason he was doing so well was because he was adept at acting. He knew exactly what the teachers wanted to hear and so that's what he would say. Neil felt a harsh tap on his shoulder and looked over to see his father glaring angrily at him and motioning towards the front of the room.

Mr. Nolan, the headmaster, had started his speech, the same one he made every year that all the parents and most of the students seemed to eat up with delight like dogs begging for treats. They all believed they were getting the best education possible, learning how to do the most advanced arithmetic and understand science better than anyone else. It was a school filled with future doctors, lawyers and businessmen. Supposedly, the students who graduated from this school were some of the smartest in the country. All that, but they weren’t being taught how to think. They had to blatantly accept whatever the teachers said, follow the exact set curriculum and gain an absolute understanding of the course material. But should they deem it necessary to present their own opinions and form their own ideas, they were shot down by their “elders” immediately.

Neil sat up straight and looked directly at the pulpit, his eyes were wide open, but his ears were closed. He didn’t want to hear any of this.

“One hundred years ago, in 1859, 41 boys sat in this room and were asked the same question that greets you at the start of each semester. Gentlemen, what are the four pillars?” Mr. Nolan said. 

Neil robotically rose to his feet with the rest of the boys. “Tradition. Honor. Discipline. Excellence,” he repeated habitually, promptly falling back into his pew with the rest of the students. He could see the candles of the first year boys being lit one by one. They fidgeted with them, looking as though at any moment they might drop hot wax onto their laps. He remembered being in their position, scared, not wanting to leave his family. But they had pushed him to the front of the room, made him sit down alone and shoved a candle into his hands. He had held it stiffly, looking straight ahead, not even realizing that it was his turn to light the candles until the boy next to him had nudged him in the shoulder, startling him, but saving him from the embarrassment of ruining the pattern.

Mr. Nolan spoke for what seemed like eternity and Neil’s eyes glossed over as he lost himself in the lines and curves of the arch adorning the ceiling directly above Mr. Nolan’s head. The whole school had been built over 10 years ago and had been used as a residence originally but had been converted into a school 53 years ago. How he knew all this, Neil was not sure, but he did know that the one thing he liked about this school was the architecture. The twining staircases with dark wooden balustrades and the paintings hung in gold adorned frames. The almost gothic metal fence that wound its way around the school covered in cobwebs and dust but somehow the way the dark iron wound together still managed to be beautiful. The way the trees were planted strategically throughout the grounds so that when the weather got cold and the summer turned to fall, which happened quite early in Vermont, the leaves always fell, red and gold on the ground, landing so perfectly that the main walkway to the building was never smothered by them. The stone towers that rose into the sky where you could sneak in the middle of the night to complete your tons of homework or to stare absentmindedly of the stars and be reminded of what it was like to actually live. That was a feeling you rarely got at Welton.

He scratched his head absentmindedly and grimaced. His hair was too neat looking, stiff and crunchy with gel his mother had made him put in it earlier that morning to hold it down, claiming he looked like an “absolute ruffian,” when he left it alone. Finally, Mr. Nolan began the conclusion to his speech. Neil sat up straight again and began listening, this was where he would announce who the new english teacher would be as their last one had retired at the end of the last year. It was probably just another deadbeat old white man with nothing interesting to say, but he could always hope for something more exciting.

“As you know, our beloved Mr. Portius of the English department retired last term. You will have the opportunity later to meet his replacement, Mr. John Keating, himself a graduate of this school. And who, for the past several years, has been teaching at the highly regarded Chester School in London.”

Neil glanced around the circle of teachers sitting behind the headmaster. There, right behind Mr. Arnold, the calculus teacher was a man who he had not seen before. He looked around thirty and had dark brown hair and a kind smile. He was young, looked like he had his whole life ahead of him, rather than being on the doorstep of death like most of the other teachers at this school. Mr. Nolan had said he had been a student at the school himself, why would he ever have wanted to come back? If he liked this school that much then he probably wasn’t going to be good, but it was worth giving him a chance.

“If parents have any questions, they may remain behind to ask me now, students, you may take your belongings up to your dorms.” Neil glanced at his parents.

His father said “You and your mother may go, I have a question to ask Mr. Nolan about your academic progress.” Neil groaned inwardly, that couldn’t mean anything good, just his father interfering in his life again. He stood up and exited the pew. With his mother on his left hand side, he walked down the middle aisle and out of the main hall. As he exited, he thought he could he Mr. Nolan saying, “well, Mr. Perry. We’ll see what we can do to help your son.”

Neil grabbed his suitcase from the trunk of the family car. He turned to face his mother and smiled, she had always tried to be there for him and he knew that it was hard for her to stand up to his father, but she always tried her best. He was going to miss her this year.

Mrs. Perry wiped her eyes. “Mom, are you actually crying, I leave you in this exact spot to go to school every year and you’ve never cried before.”

“I know, I know, I’m just being silly. It's just that its your last year here and I feel like you’ve grown up so much since that first time we left you at these doors 6 years ago and I’ve been around for none of it, and I know you hate this school and I feel so awful making you go here when I miss you so much around home.”

“Mom, it’s okay. I miss you too but you know I have to do what dad wants.”

“Yes, of course. But still, I do really love you and I want you to know that.”

“I do know mom, I love you too.”

“Promise you’ll write to me at least once a week.”

“I’ll try my best.”

“Oh, Neil. Please try to enjoy yourself here this year, you’re never going to come back. It's college right after this. Try to at least appreciate it some. You might not want this, but your father and I are really trying to do what’s best for you, and he did work so hard to find you a place at this school.”

Neil knew his mom was just trying to help him, so he said. “I will mom, I love you and I’m going to miss you. I should probably be getting to my dorm to meet my roommate now though.”

“Yes. Yes, of course.” Mrs. Perry straightened up and dabbed underneath her eyes with her handkerchief. “Have fun.”

“I’ll try my best,” Neil said with a grin, grabbed his trunk off the ground and started to walk into the building, turning to give his mother one last wave as he walked in the front doors, she was still standing there, waving, with her handkerchief held underneath her nose. Neil smiled.


	2. do as i say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Gentleman, what are the four pillars of this school?” Neil asked.
> 
> “Travesty. Horror. Decadence. Excrement,” everyone announced. Todd laughed. Charlie flopped down onto Neil's bed and pulled out a cigarette. Offering the package around, he pulled out a lighter and put the cigarette in his mouth. “Well, we should figure out what our study group for this year is gonna be. Meeks aced Latin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just for clarity, the movie was technically set in 1959 but this book is set in 1989 partly because I was confused about when the movie was set, and partly because I want to include music and references from the 70's and 80's

Neil wound his way up the stairs, past the hordes of young boys only in their first year, crying still because they had to leave their parents. They would get over it soon, Neil knew, but at the moment, they were just clogging the hallway. Finally he made it to the seventh floor and found his way down the hallway filled with bedrooms. He was in room 32. Hopefully he would be roommates with Charlie, he had been every year since they were eleven, that’s where they had met and it had been almost unavoidable that they become best friends.

Neil opened the door to see a face he had never seen before. That was odd, new students were rarely accepted into the school so late, and Neil didn’t know for his life why anyone would want to. This boy looked about 5’8, he had floppy golden hair and a round face that looked like a golden retriever. He looked like the kind of person who you would want to trust without hesitation and Neil immediately felt drawn to him. 

“Hey,” Neil said, putting on a smile. “I guess we’re roommates this year. I’m Neil Perry, what’s your name.”

The boy looked up slowly, his eyes refusing to meet Neil’s. “I’m Todd Anderson,” he said quietly.

“So what made you end up at this god awful school when you’ve stayed away for so long,” Neil joked.

“I transferred from Balincrest. My brother went here. He was one of the best students, my parents want me to live up to him.”

“Oh, so you’re that Anderson.”

“Yeah,” Todd said, looking away again and suddenly becoming quiet.

“Hey, hey. That doesn’t mean you’re gonna be as much of a stuck up prick as your brother. I don’t mind you at all so far.”

“Oh, good.” Todd said, sounding excited again. “Most people hear who I’m related to and immediately assume I’m exactly like him.”

“I’m not the type to judge people based on their family, seeing as I certainly wouldn’t want anyone judging me based on mine.”

“So are your parents assholes too?”

Before Neil could answer the question, there was a loud banging on the door. It swung open suddenly without any invitation and Knox, Charlie, and Meeks shoved themselves into the small room.

“Hey Neil, how’s it going?” Knox asked.

“”Hey, Knox. I’m doing well. Meeks, I haven’t seen you all summer.”

“Yeah, my parents made me stay home and study the entirety of summer! Can you believe the nerve of them?” Meeks exclaimed loudly.

“Ooh, sounds awful.” Charlie said, not sounding particularly sympathetic. “My summer was great. Lots of yachts, lots of tequila, lots of hot girls.” Charlie thrust his hips forward into his hands.

“Charlie, stop.” Meeks groaned.

“Oh shut up, stop being such a prude.” Charlie laughed. He then turned and looked past Neil’s shoulder, suddenly spotting Todd. “Hey, Neil, who’s the new guy who took my spot as your roommate?”

“This is Todd Anderson.” Neil introduced him. Todd looked up and waved.

“Who is he? He looks like a stiff to me,” Charlie announced loudly. Todd’s face turned red and he went back to slowly unpacking his bags. Neil grabbed his shoulder and offered him a smile.  
“Aw shut up Charlie.” He said. “Todd, ignore him. He has no filter and he’s an asshole. The two don’t mix.” Todd smiled at him gratefully. 

“Here, let me introduce you to the guys,” Neil said. Todd turned around and looked at the boys assembled in the crowded room. Neil pointed to the boy with the curly hair and glasses. “That right there is Steven Meeks, but we call him Meeks. Don’t ask why, I wouldn’t know.” Neil pointed at the tall boy with dark skin. “That’s Knox Overstreet. We call him by his first name.”  
Knox waved at Todd, “I'm the token colored person at this school.” Todd smiled uneasily. “You’re allowed to laugh at that,” Knox said and Todd grinned.

Pointing to the last boy, Neil said. “You probably already know, but this is Charlie Dalton. He has no brains but he’s here because of daddy’s money.”

“Excuse me,” Charlie said loudly. “From what I hear, you took summer school very recently and you have no right to say that.”

“Yep. Chemistry. My father thought I should get ahead. That just means I’m way smarter than any of you guys,” Neil retorted.

“Hey Meeks, close the door,” Charlie announced. 

“Yes, sir.” Meeks said, stepping further into the room and slamming the door.

“Gentleman, what are the four pillars of this school?” Neil asked.

“Travesty. Horror. Decadence. Excrement,” everyone announced. Todd laughed. Charlie flopped down onto Neil's bed and pulled out a cigarette. Offering the package around, he pulled out a lighter and put the cigarette in his mouth. “Well, we should figure out what our study group for this year is gonna be. Meeks aced Latin.”

“I aced everything,” Meeks said under his breath. Charlie shot him an angry glare.

“I didn’t quite flunk English. And Mr. Neil over here is a science expert, so we’ve got our study group.”

“Cameron asked me if he could join. Is that okay?” Neil asked.

Charlie groaned. “Really, and what does he specialize in, bootlicking.”

“Oh, give him a chance. He’s your roommate.”

“And who’s fault is that, going and switching up on me.”

“Hey that wasn’t my fault. Anyways, can Cameron join or not?”

“Is he smart?”

“Definitely.”

“Then, fine. He can give me answers.” Charlie turned to Todd. “Do you wanna be in this study group thing?”

“Well I don’t know.” Todd said. “I’m not particularly good at anything”

“Oh, come on. It’ll be fun and you’ll need people to help you out.” Neil said encouragingly.

“Ok, fine. I’ll do it whenever I can.” Todd conceded.

“First meetings next Tuesday after class. Sound good?” Neil asked. Everyone voiced agreement. Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door. Charlie sat up quickly, snuffed his cigarette out against the floor, and began vigorously fanning the air, as if that was going to do anything while the windows were still closed.

“Come in,” Neil called. The door opened and Mr. Perry was standing outside. He looked at the boys scattered around the room and sniffed the air in disdain and then looked at Neil.

“What’s up, Dad?” Neil asked.

“Neil, I've just spoken to Mr. Nolan. I think that you're taking too many extra curricular activities this semester, and I've decided that you should drop the school annual.” Mr. Perry said with a fake smile on his face. Neil’s eyes opened wide, he should have known that when his father had stayed behind to talk to Mr. Nolan, he was only trying to interfere.

“Dad, you know I can’t do that. I’m the assistant editor this year.”

“Well, I’m sorry Neil.”

“You can’t just make me quit, that wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the newspaper team.”  
Mr. Perry’s eyes dropped threateningly and his eyebrows furrowed. He addressed the whole room, “Boys, would you excuse us for just a moment?” It wasn’t actually a question though and Neil could feel his father's grip tighten around his arm and he pulled him angrily into the hallway. Neil glanced back once into the room with fear in his eyes and a silent plea for prayers to whatever gods they believed in before his father slammed the door behind them. 

“Don’t you dare ever dispute me in public, how many times do I have to tell you this.” Mr. Perry said, his voice level rising fast.

“But, Father…” Neil’s sentence trailed off as he caught his father's eyes filled with anger and saw his hand quivering by his side.

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Neil averted his eyes.

“Now, you will drop the school annual and work much harder on your studies in math and science. I expect all a’s if not higher in those courses.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“I hope you will. And just know, once you’ve finished medical school and are on your own, you can do as you damn well please. But, until then, you do as I say. Is that clear?” 

Neil could feel anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach, ready to explode, but it wasn’t as if getting angry would get him anywhere, more likely it would leave him with the bright red mark of a hand on his face and a stinging cheek, much worse if they were alone.

“Yes, sir.”

“Now, I have to get to your mother, she’s waiting in the car. Have a good year, work hard, and don’t spend too much time hanging around that Dalton boy. You know I don’t approve of his antics.” Neil nodded solemnly, pretending to listen.

“Goodbye, father.” I’ll see you in December for Christmas break.

“That you will,” Mr. Perry said and turned his back on Neil, walking down the hallway and towards the entrance to the school without even a glance over his shoulder at his son.  
Neil turned to the wall and leaned against it with his head in his hands. Why did he never get to do what he wanted? Never. Neil lifted his head up and pounded the wall with his left hand, then pulled back and winced, there was already a bruise forming on his knuckles and a dent in the wall. Some teacher would come along and find that later and there would be a thorough investigation into who had “purposely vandalized the school hallways.” They wouldn’t ever find out of course, but it would be funny to see them try. Neil sunk down to the floor with his back against the wall and his knees up to his chest. He had been on the paper staff every year since he had gotten here and had finally made it to assistant editor in his last year. He loved the paper, they wouldn't be able to run without him there. Actually, they probably would, they would just pick someone to replace within the next few days and everything would be back to normal. That’s the way this school was run, everyone and everything was replaceable. You mess up and you’re out.

There was no way to avoid it, no matter how much he wanted to ignore his father, he knew the consequences for staying in the paper would be greater than those for not. He would go to Jerry, the chief editor, later that day and tell him he wouldn’t be working on the paper anymore. Neil stood up and brushed off his pants. The uniform required black or tan slacks to be worn at all times with a white button up shirt and the black pants had an addiction to picking up lint. Neil could hear the boys guffawing loudly inside the room. He didn’t want to go back in there yet, he wasn’t really in the mood for joking around anymore. The grounds outside seemed to have cleared of lingering parents and cars and the bright green trees were letting in the bright sunlight through their leaves. 

Neil heard the door open slowly and he looked towards it. Todd stepped out and smiled at him.

“Hey,” Todd said. “Are you okay?”

Neil grinned. “I’m fine, My dads just being an asshole again, nothing new.”

“What’s he doing now?”

“He wants me to quit the school annual so I can focus more on my studies.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too. But it's fine.”

“What are you doing right now?”

“I was just going to go outside and take a walk, clear my thoughts, you know.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No that's okay, I’d rather be alone.”

“Oh,” Todd said, then motioned to the room. “I guess..well… I’ll just finish unpacking.”

“Sounds good, try not to let the other boys bother you too much.” Neil joked.

Todd smiled. “I’ll do my best.” He then turned and walked back into the room and Neil walked down the hallway back out of the school.


	3. first day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He walked into the cafeteria where the sounds of the whole school finally beginning to wake up from their slumber greeted him. His eyes roamed the room, searching for familiar faces when he felt a slap on his back.
> 
> “Neil,” a voice yelled. Neil turned around and saw Charlie standing behind him grinning, exactly who he had expected. “C’mon, everyone’s already gotten breakfast. We’re sitting down outside.”
> 
> “I’ll be there in a minute,” Neil said. He turned to the buffet table and made himself a plate of breakfast, piling the eggs, bacon and toast in a large heap. He carried it precariously outside, balancing it on the palm of his hand and made his way over to his friends

Neil found his way back to the dorm as it was just beginning to get dark. The air was still damp and humid, hanging around him and the whole building like a thick cloud and it didn’t bode well for what the first day of school was going to be like. The school in claiming to dedicate itself to tradition seemed to also dedicate itself to the refusal to incorporate modern technologies. It refused to get air conditioners. Every classroom was equipped with windows that had to be propped open and all you could do at the beginning of fall term and the end of spring term was sit in the room and suffer, the seat of your pants gradually sticking more and more to the chair, and you knew you would feel yourself peel off it uncomfortably when you stood up.

Neil opened the door quietly and saw that no one was inside. Todd had probably gone to get dinner along with most of the other boys. Neil walked over to his bed, upon which his battered brown suitcase lay, still unopened. The room really was small, the two beds sitting almost directly next to each other with only about three feet of space between them and the two dressers sitting in the exact same position at the end of each. He opened the latch of the suitcase with caution, it was prone to falling off and began to lay his items methodically into the dressers. His starch white shirts, neatly folded and ironed in one. The dark pants and shorts for gym in another, and sweaters and vests in the third. In the final drawer, at the bottom where it was hard to reach, he put the books that he had smuggled in at the bottom of his suitcase, the ones his father didn’t approve of him reading because they were too romantic for his tastes and whatever was the purpose of reading romantic books if you were just going to become a doctor. A Midsummer Night's Dream, A Tale of Two Cities and Anne of Green Gables, all battered and knocked about to the point where the covers were just barely holding on by a few threads. Neil didn’t mind though, because the sentiment of the books were still inside. Just as he was gingerly closing the last drawer, he heard the door open slowly. He stood up straight and saw Todd walk in. 

“I didn’t see you at dinner.” Todd said.

“Yeah, I wasn’t really hungry and I needed to unpack.”

“That makes sense.” Todd said and Neil nodded in assent. “Well, it's only nine and I can’t sleep until at least ten, so is it alright if I just keep the light on and read for a bit, I promise I won’t bother you.”

Neil grinned. “Oh, so you like reading.”

“What do most kids at this school not, I thought everyone here was supposed to be really smart.”  
“Really smart doesn’t mean they tend to think for themselves. Almost everyone here specializes in math or science and only reads when it's assigned.” Neil explained.

“Well that’s...disappointing.” Todd said, his eyes losing their sparkle.

“I know, but as to your question. No, I most definitely do not mind if you sit here and read, and I will probably do the same.” 

Neil stood up and dimmed the lights so they couldn’t be seen by the hallway monitor and then grabbed his science textbook from his bag, boring, but he might as well get a start on it before the first day tomorrow. He flopped down onto his bad, his back resting on the wall and his knees up to his chest, mirroring Todd, who he quickly snuck one look at over the top of his book. He looked at peace, more calm than he had all day. His eyes were squinted as he stared hard at his book in depp concentration, his brows almost touching. His lips were very full and pink, Neil couldn’t help but notice. 

Neil grinned quietly and then ducked his face back below the textbook and went back to reading.

\---

Neil woke up with a start to the sound of banging on the door. He glanced around himself warily, forgetting where he was. He looked over to the bed next to him and saw that it was already empty, Todd must have been an early riser. Neil groaned and pulled himself off his bed. He walked over to his cabinet and pulled out his toothbrush, a towel, his shampoo, he really didn’t like to use the communal one, it had probably been there for years, and an unused uniform. Stepping out into the hallway, Neil found himself in a crowd of boys a foot shorter than him, the younger boys had to get up earlier, one of the few privileges of being a senior in this school. He found his way to the communal bathroom where all of the older boys on the floor were getting ready. The windows and mirrors were steamed up so much that you couldn't see your face at all and Neil decided it would be more worthwhile to take a shower first, the hot water would probably run out soon. 

He stepped into the stall and closed the door. Stripping off his pajamas and stepping under the hot stream of water whose pressure wasn’t quite enough to be comfortable but it was the best you could get at this school. He let himself relax, trying to calm his mind before what he knew was going to be the start of a very stressful school year. 

He finished his shower, put on his clothes and stepped out into the bathroom. It was a lot less full now, only a few seniors quietly getting ready for the day. He brushed his teeth and then grabbed his stuff and walked back to his room. He opened the door and still didn’t see Todd, who must have, like most of the other boys, already gone down to breakfast. Neil dropped his stuff on his bed, not bothering to pick it up, grabbed his books that he would need for the first half of the day, latin, chemistry and trigonometry, and walked briskly out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

He walked into the cafeteria where the sounds of the whole school finally beginning to wake up from their slumber greeted him. His eyes roamed the room, searching for familiar faces when he felt a slap on his back.

“Neil,” a voice yelled. Neil turned around and saw Charlie standing behind him grinning, exactly who he had expected. “C’mon, everyone’s already gotten breakfast. We’re sitting down outside.”  
“I’ll be there in a minute,” Neil said. He turned to the buffet table and made himself a plate of breakfast, piling the eggs, bacon and toast in a large heap. He carried it precariously outside, balancing it on the palm of his hand and made his way over to his friends.

“Hello boys,” he greeted them cheerily. 

“Hey, Neil,” there was a chorus of responses. Neil glanced over the people seated in a cluster on the grass. “Is Todd not here?” He asked.

“I saw him get breakfast but he didn’t come out here. I think he likes eating on his own better.” Knox said.

Neil frowned, slightly skeptical, but decided to ignore his doubting thoughts for a while and sat himself down on the slightly damp grass. “Ugh,” he groaned “you guys have chosen somewhere drier to sit.” 

“All the good places were taken,” Meeks said. “And besides, you were the last one down. If you wanted a good spot, you should’ve come down earlier.”

“That’s not fair. And besides, we’re seniors aren’t we, shouldn’t we be able to kick these little ones out of their spots.” Neil said.

“Technically, yes we should,” Charlie said with a hint of annoyance in his voice, “but you know what Nolan would do if we harassed the children.”

“And who are you to care what Nolan would do? What happened to my Charlie over the summer.” Neil laughed.

“Shut up Neil, it’s not like you’re going to risk it either.” Neil looked back down at his food and groaned. He would have to spend the rest of the day with the seat of his pants slightly damp from the morning dew, that uncomfortable feeling when there’s an itch you couldn’t scratch for the fear of looking “inappropriate.” Breakfast went by fast as Neil found himself losing interest in the conversation, only catching snippets of what was happening. His mind was in other places, first thinking about his argument with his father last night, then thinking about how awful this next year was truly going to be, and then being brought back to Todd. Where was he? Neil hadn’t expected him to immediately join in with his friend group but it was quite odd that he wasn’t at breakfast at all. Neil would have to ask him when he got back to the dorm. Suddenly, out of the blue, Neil heard the bells ringing loudly, echoing throughout the grounds. That meant breakfast was over and they only had ten minutes until class started. Neil stood up jerkily and brushed off the back of his pants. 

He followed Knox into the cafeteria, put his plate in the sink and then started walking toward his first class.

\--

The entire first half of the day went by as slowly as it seemed possible for the universe to make a day pass. Each minute ticked by like a slug making its way from one leaf to the next, in no hurry at all. Each teacher recited their textbook quoted lessons in a mechanical fashion, giving only the information the students needed to learn, piling word upon word on top of eachother until Neil’s head felt as if it was going to explode. Everything had simply gone in one ear and out the next. He needed to get used to this again fast or he was going to end up having to relearn everything himself. 

He sat through the entirety of chemistry hearing nothing except the massive pile of homework that he was going to have to get done. “Pick three laboratory experiments from the project list and report on them every five weeks. The first twenty questions at the end of chapter one are due tomorrow.”

He had latin next, not a language that he particularly hated but they could be reading Homer or Virgil but instead the teachers insisted that repetition of words was the only way of learning. Neil only looked up from his incessant copying of notes as Mr. McAllister listed the conjugation of the verb agricola “Agricolam. Agricola. Agricolae. Agricolarum. Agricolis. Agrícolas. Agricolis. Again, please. Agricola.”

Neil had math in the last period before lunch break. Math was the absolute bane of Neil’s existence. Despite his extensive efforts and studying outside of class, getting tutored, finding himself in the wee hours of the morning studying, Neil had always been bad at it. After taking algebra in eighth grade, suddenly he seemed incapable of understanding. It wasn’t that he got bad grades in the class, he wouldn’t risk that, but he always seemed to be teetering on the edge of almost understanding and being thrown into the abyss of confusion and that was a very dangerous line to walk with his father breathing down the back of his neck at all times. As soon as Neil walked into the classroom for the first time, he could tell that this class was not going to be one he enjoyed. His teacher walked in and Neil felt his face dropped as he realized that he had Dr. Hager, known to be one of the harshest in the school, and at this school, that could not possibly mean good things.

Dr. Hager strolled slowly to the front of the classroom, turned to face the students, and clasped his hands behind his back with his legs completely straight and shoulder width apart. “Now students,” he began, “Your study of trigonometry requires absolute precision. Anyone failing to turn in any homework assignment will be penalized one point off their final grade. Let me urge  
you now not to test me on this point.”

Neil groaned and sat up straight in his chair, this was going to be a long year.

Finally, trigonometry was over and Neil was free to spend his lunch period however he wanted. He wasn’t particularly hungry, having eaten a rather large breakfast, so he found himself wandering towards his room in search of some respite from the pounding voices of the hordes of boys and a space to start his homework and collect the books he would need for his next classes. He entered the room and saw Todd sitting on his bed, staring intently at a sheet of paper.  
“I’m sorry,” Neil said. “I didn’t mean to bother you. I’m just coming in to collect my books.”  
Todd jumped, he must have been completely engrossed in whatever he was doing. “No, it’s completely fine, I was just going to leave anyways.” Todd said.

“Are you sure, I really don’t mean to kick you out.”

“I need to get some lunch, I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, so I’m quite starving.” Todd explained.

“So that’s why I didn’t see you at breakfast this morning,” Neil nodded. “Well, I supposed I’ll see you later then.”

“Of course,” Todd smiled and stepped out of the room, closing the door softly behind him.  
Neil spent his lunch period trying to read the chapter of his science textbook, gradually becoming more angry as he failed to concentrate and absorbed barely a word of what he had read. He was going to have to re-read it later, he realized as he checked his watch. The period was almost over and he would have to go to his next class. He grabbed his books and walked down the winding staircase to the correct room. He leaned over to read the name plaque decorating the door. John Keating, it said in spiralling cursive. Interesting, Neil was going to meet the new teacher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so short, i had no inspiration, im going to try to make the next chapters longer


	4. mr. keating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I get it. My brother treated me the same way he does everyone. But to answer your question. Yes, I did like Keating much more than any of the other teachers I had today.”
> 
> “Thank goodness. I thought I was going to have to stop being friends with you.”
> 
> “We’re friends?” Todd asked, seeming surprised.
> 
> Neil sat up straight and looked directly at Todd who couldn’t seem to meet his eyes. “Of course we are.”
> 
> Todd smiled.

The door opened and Neil recognized Mr. Keating from the introduction ceremony. His face was lit with a wide smile that seemed full of warmth and welcome and Neil found himself beginning to smile as well. He ushered them into the room and Neil stepped inside with the herd of shuffling boys. He looked around and found himself in a room that for the most part looked like every other room in the building, but sight differences set it apart, made it more interesting and made Neil feel as though he were more at home. The walls, unlike those in the other classrooms, were lined with bookshelves containing the brightly colored spines of books, pages upon pages of worlds asking to be explored. Neil found his way through the room and lined up along the back wall with the other boys, as was expected of them before the start of the first class.

“I am going to seat you alphabetically in this class,” Mr. Keating said. “It seems rather fitting in this class doesn’t it?” A few boys cracked a smile and there were scattered breaths of laughter. Everyone seemed to be quiet, reserved, waiting to pass judgement on this new teacher. No one really knew what to expect of him and no one wanted to get on his bad side. 

“Oh, come on. There’s no need to be so stiff. You all look like wooden coffins standing there like that.” Mr. Keating said cheerfully. There was a general flurry of movement as the boys began to relax. Neil looked around the classroom. There weren’t very many seniors at the school so chances are he would have this class with most of his friends. He caught Charlie’s eyes from across the room and grinned.

Mr. Keating looked across the line of boys, smiled, said, “Alright boys, now find your seats,” and turned, walking with his back to the students into his office. Neil raised his eyebrows and could feel the boys around him glancing around with the same apprehension. In this school, teachers didn’t just leave their students alone in classrooms. Teenage boys were just too untrustworthy. Many furtive glances were thrown across the room and there seemed to be a collective silent agreement as the boys started to find their way across the room and sit down in desks. There were several small scuffles as the seats in the back row were argued over, but Neil found his way to a seat in the second to last row, threw his books down on the desk and flopped into the seat. He saw Charlie, win an argument with Meeks and sit down in the seat in the very back corner of the room. Scanning the room, Neil also saw Todd in the seat directly in front of the teachers desk. Interesting. As the boys waited for Mr. Keating, they began to get restless. It felt as if everyone was trying to keep silent for the fear that Mr. Keating would suddenly pop out of his room and scold them for speaking but 2 minutes passed and then 5 and he didn’t come out. Suddenly, someone started talking to the boy next to them and the whole room erupted into conversation. 

After about thirty seconds, the door opened and Mr. Keating walked out whistling the overture of 1812. His head was held high, not looking at the students, but seeming to be lost in his own universe. The room quieted down quickly and only one boy was left talking. His cheeks turned red and he smirked in embarrassment as he realized.

Neil watched as Mr. Keating walked towards the back of the classroom, opened the door and stepped out. The class went silent as they tried to figure out what they were meant to do. Then, Mr. Keating's head popped back into the classroom. “Well come on,” he said grinning and walked back out. Neil glanced around and then grabbed his books off his desk, stood up and walked out of the classroom. He could hear the sounds of rushed packing up from inside as he found his way down the hallway hurrying after Mr. Keating's fast-paced footsteps. They walked through the spookily silent hallways until they reached the entrance hall and Mr. Keating stopped in front of the wooden trophy cabinet that contained all of the awards that boys at the school had won during their time there. Neil thought it quite unfair that you had to give up the only record of your accomplishment, but those were the rules of the school. 

The rest of the class gradually made their way to the stopping place and stood in a cluster facing the trophy collection while Mr. Keating continued to stand with his back to them, whistling. When everyone had arrived, he turned and looked at them. Neil figured he must have had eyes in the back of his head or how else would he have known exactly when to turn. 

“Oh Captain, my Captain,” Mr. Keating said abruptly. “Does anyone know where that comes from?” Neil could hear it in the back of his mind and knew that he had come across those words before, but couldn't recall from where. It didn’t seem anyone else in the class knew either because no one raised their hands or spoke out, although Neil could see Todd staring down at his shoes and biting his lip, a telltale sign of knowing the answer but refusing to appear like a know-it-all in front of the class. He let out a small laugh under his breath.

Spaz, a boy who was constantly on top of Neil’s nerves, bew his nose loudly in the silence and Neil groaned, but was interrupted by Mr. Keating. “Not a clue? It's from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now in this class you can call me Mr. Keating. Or, if you're slightly more daring, Oh Captain, My Captain.” 

Neil had to stop himself from laughing out loud and he heard a few other boys chuckle softly, obviously trying to do the same.. He might have to take his teacher up on that offer. It was a very rare chance to get a teacher who knew what a joke was at this school so this year might not be off to such a bad start after all. 

“Now let me dispel a few rumors so they don't fester into facts. Yes, I too attended Hell-ton and survived. And no, at that time I was not the mental giant you see before you. I was the intellectual equivalent of a ninety-eight pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would kick copies of Byron in my face.” Mr. Keating continued speaking. Neil burst out laughing, earning an appreciative grin from Mr. Keating. “I see we have at least some students at this school not too cowed by the strict administration to allow themselves to have a good laugh.” Neil grinned, he was beginning to love this teacher. He looked to his right and saw Cameron hurriedly scribbling in his notebook. Neil looked over Cameron’s shoulder and saw a word for word transcript of everything the teacher had said during the class. Laughing softly Neil whispered in Cameron’s ear. “Ease up a bit mate. You really don’t need to write down everything he says. Just listen and appreciate the class.” Cameron looked up hurriedly with a shocked look on his face and Neil rubbed his shoulder encouragingly.

Neil turned his attention back to Mr. Keating and saw him scanning the papers in his hand. “Now, Mr. Pitts,” He announced. “That’s a rather unfortunate name. Mr. Pitts, where are you?”  
Neil turned and saw Pitts raise his hand meekly as many of the boys around him snickered.  
Mr. Keating nodded curtly and instructed him, “Mr. Pitts, would you open your hymnal to page 542 and read the first stanza of the poem you find there?” Pitts thumbed through his book as fast as he could, trying not to make the rest of the class wait and letting out an obvious sigh of relief as he found the right page.

“To the virgins, make much of time,” he read. 

“Yes, that's the one,” Mr. Keating assured. “Seems rather fitting doesn't it.”

Neil rolled his eyes, but the insult really didn’t bother him. It was quite true honestly. At an all boys school, getting laid wasn’t an easy thing to do.

Pitts continued reading, “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a flying, and this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying.”

Mr. Keating looked around the class, making eye contact with each student. Neil felt his lips turn up at the corners as Mr. Keating turned to him. 

“Thank you Mr. Pitts. "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." The Latin term for that sentiment is Carpe Diem. Now who knows what that means?”

Neil looked around the room, he did know the answer to this one, but he wanted to see if anyone else would answer instead and was happy when he saw Meeks’ hand pop into the air. Mr. Keating motioned towards Meeks, indicating that he should answer the question. 

“Carpe Diem. Thats ‘Seize the day’” He answered hesitating slightly.

Mr. Keating nodded in assent. “Correct Mr.-”

“Meeks” Meeks informed him.

“Meeks. Another unusual name. Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Why does the writer use these lines?”

Neil started to think about it and then heard the familiar voice of Charlie. It was the first time he had spoken in a class today, that was interesting. 

“Because he’s in a hurry.” Charlie said. Neil groaned. Of course he wasn’t going to take anything seriously, but it was better than nothing. 

“No. Ding!” Mr. Keating slammed his hand into the air as if he were hitting an imaginary buzzer and Charlie had answered incorrectly in jeopardy. Charlie hung his head in fake shame, but was obviously quite pleased with himself. Neil knew he was smart but he seemed to think that acting stupid made him a more interestign person, so that’s how he went through life making silly comments and joking about anything. Neil didn’t think he had ever heard Charlie say something serious in the 6 years they had known each other. 

“Thank you for playing anyway.” Mr. Keating continued “I would say that the writer uses the words because we are food for worms lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.” The room went silent, the only sound the intense breathing of twenty-seven boys going through an existential crisis at the exact same time and the sniffling of Spaz. Mr. Keating turned to face the trophy cabinet which he had had his back to the whole lesson. He waved towards the class, making them come closer to him until they were all standing right up against the glass, looking in at the many pictures of boys their own age standing in uniforms or suits, and all holding large trophies. The best of Welton supposedly.

Mr. Keating continued speaking. “Now I would like you to step forward over here and peruse some of the faces from the past. You've walked past them many times. I don't think you've really looked at them.” He slowly made his way through the cluster of students until he was standing behind them and there was nothing between them and the glass. Some boys stepped closer, their hot breath fogging up the glass.

“They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel.” Neil looked down at his brown scuffed shoes, he wasn’t sure he had ever felt invincible. No matter what he did, the image of his father was always standing right behind him, telling him that he wasn’t good enough, that he would never be. But Neil supposed some boys his age felt the way Mr. Keating was describing, like there was nothing that could ever stop them and Neil wished he could feel that, even if just for a split second he wanted to be able to live the life that was in his dreams, not his fathers. He was too afraid though, and he knew that it was never going to happen. Neil looked back up and heard Mr. Keating still talking.  
“The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? I hope they didn’t and for the sake of all of you, I hope that you don’t waste your lives away, listening to the trivial wishes of this school and your parents I supposed. They mean nothing, boys, nothing in the grand scheme of life. Live willfully. Live fully and live freely. Try to do what these gentlemen here did. If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in.” 

Neil smiled. Something Mr. Keating said seemed to be finally making sense to him, and even one small thing that made sense in this vast confusing world was so comforting. He followed the push of the crowd of boys around him and leaned into the glass. He felt Mr. Keating close behind him and heard him start to whisper “ Carpe” he said softly“Carpe. Carpe Diem. Seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.” Neil grinned.

\--

Neil ran down the steps to catch up with his friends as they left the class. 

“That was weird,” He heard Pitts say. 

“It was different, doesn’t make it bad though.” He called as he came up behind them.

“Pretty spooky if you ask me,” Knox put in. Cameron seemed lost in his own world, not really paying attention to the conversation happening around him. 

“Do you think he’ll test us on that stuff,” he asked.

Neil slapped his shoulder. “You really missed the point there, mate.”

“Yeah, don’t you understand anything?” Charlie said teasingly.

“What? What?” Cameron said, a panicked look on his face. The other boys laughed.

\--

Neil threw himself onto the thin mattress and began to pull his shoes off. His feet ached. They had become unused to the cumbersome feeling of being locked up in a leather prison all day during the summer. As he lay his head on his pillow, he heard the door open softly and he sat up. Todd looked up surprised, as if he hadn’t expected to see Neil there. 

“I haven’t seen you much recently. How was your first day at Hellton.”

Todd smirked “Well I guess you could say it was Hell.”

Neil laughed loudly. “That's pretty much how it's gonna go every day from now until winter break, I’m just warning you now.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

The conversation died out and Neil lay back down on his bed while Todd put his things away and took off his shoes and tie. “How did you like Keating?” Neil asked, remembering that they had had the class together.

“Well, he definitely wasn’t like any of the other teachers I had today.”

“You can say that again, but did you like him better or worse than them? Now be careful here because if you say you didn’t like him as much as your other teachers, I’m going to assume you're as much of a stuck up prick who couldn’t care less about other people as your brother was. Don’t take that personally by the way. I just didn’t like your brother much.”

“I get it. My brother treated me the same way he does everyone. But to answer your question. Yes, I did like Keating much more than any of the other teachers I had today.”

“Thank goodness. I thought I was going to have to stop being friends with you.”

“We’re friends?” Todd asked, seeming surprised.

Neil sat up straight and looked directly at Todd who couldn’t seem to meet his eyes. “Of course we are.”

Todd smiled.


	5. days end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sounds like an awful idea but also possibly a very funny one, so I’m up for it.”
> 
> “Alright, tomorrow at three in the library it is.”
> 
> They talked for a while more when suddenly Todd pointed to the sky. 
> 
> They stopped talking and sat in comfortable silence as they watched the orange light of the setting sun turn the sky shades of pink and yellow. Neil felt very happy for the first time in a long time sitting next to Todd and watching the sky turn to flames. He had the strangest urge to turn and lay his head on Todd’s lap, but he brushed the thought from his mind and settled into the pillar he was leaning against as the sky grew dark and the moon rose above the clouds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first completely original chapter! hope its ok :)

Neil grabbed his book and ran out of his room slamming the door shut behind him. He was late for his first class and He knew Dr. Wilson would beat his ass, literally if he were late more than twice. It was already the second month of school and the trees had begun to turn brown and yellow with the early autumn. The sweaters and long shirts that Neil had been forced to suffer all throughout the hot days at the beginning of september were now beginning to come handy as the temperatures dropped and the sun began to slip below the horizon earlier and earlier in the evenings. He rushed through the hall, pushing the small boys who wandered slowly into his path roughly out of his way, not bothering to look back when they squealed in annoyance. He reached the door to the classroom three flights down the stairs and out of breath. He pulled open the door quietly, hoping not to draw any attention to himself and found the classroom hard at work with their heads bent down into their textbooks. Dr. Wilson wasn’t in sight so Neil assumed he must have been in his study and breathed a sigh of relief, quickly closing the door behind him and sitting down at his desk. He pulled out his textbook and began looking at it intently hoping to present the image that he had been in class the whole time. He nudged Charlie's shoulder and whispered, “what page are we on?”

Charlie whispered back “137” under his breath. 

At that moment, Dr. Wilson appeared from behind the door of his study, rapped twice on his desk and said, “Attention.” The students all looked up from their books, rapt with attention. “I will not tolerate students being late to my class, Mr. Perry.” Neil lowered his eyes and groaned inwardly, this would mean at least one dyas detention if not more. Dr. Wilson continued. “And you Mr. Dalton, speaking with Mr. Perry while you are supposed to be doing your classwork is also not acceptable.” Neil glanced over and saw Charlie role his eyes.

“Don’t think I didn’t see that Mr. Dalton! Now both of you will be receiving two days detention with me.” He paused for a moment and then seemed to see the grins forming on Neil and Charlie’s faces. “And you will be in detention at different times. Not together.” He added. The grins faded quickly. 

Neil had a lot of homework to catch up on and detention meant at least a note from his father telling him what a disgrace to the family he was, if not an order to quit some other club and spend more time focusing on “the important things in life.” 

Neil spent the rest of the class trying to keep his attention towards the front as if he was paying rapt attention while slowly falling back into his own thoughts, unconcerned with the theory of relativity or the law of gravitation and its relation to other forces of nature. By the time the class had ended he had only taken half a page of notes compared to his normal five pages. He was going to have to find someone to copy from.

As Neil was walking out of the class, Dr. Wilson stopped him at the door. “This afternoon at three. Meet me outside my office.” Neil nodded glumly and walked out of the classroom.

\---

Neil stood outside Dr. Wilson’s office with his bag slung over his shoulder containing everything he would need to do his homework after this detention was done. He wasn’t going to have enough time to go back up to his room if he wanted to work outside while it was still light. And you could never predict how long Dr. Wilson’s detentions were going to be, although Neil had always believed that the school should implement some sort of rule for detention length. A teacher should never be able to keep a student for more than five hours, and yes this had happened to Neil on multiple occasions. 

The door opened and Dr. Wilson motioned inside with his left hand. Neil stepped into the room and waited for Dr. Wilson to close the door behind him. He did and then sat in the large black chair behind his desk. “Sit,” Dr. Wilson said, pointing towards the small wooden chair opposite his. Neil took his bag off his shoulder and did as Dr. Wilson asked. 

“Would you like to tell me why you were late to my class today? If I receive a satisfactory answer, your punishment may be lessened.”

“Oh, it was just because my roommate Todd had lost his trig textbook and I wanted to help him find it. I didn’t realize that it was taking so long until it was already too late. I ran here as fast as I could, but obviously I didn’t get here in time,” Neil said nervously, hoping this explanation was satisfactory. It was true, of course, but you could never know how a teacher was going to react.  
“Well in that case, I suppose missing five minutes of class in order to help a friend really isn’t so bad. I will just need you to write one hundred times ‘I will not be late to class’ and then you can be on your way. There’s no need for you to come back tomorrow.”

Neil grinned gratefully. “Thank you,” he said happily.

“Now don’t go being too excited or I might have to rescind my statement and give you back the original punishment.” 

Neil immediately straightened out his mouth and pulled out a pen and paper, but on the inside he was jumping with joy. If he had two decent teachers, maybe this year honestly wouldn’t be awful. That was two more than most years.

Neil finished writing his lines and handed them to Dr. Wilson, who was grading the lab projects they had done last week. Dr. Wilson looked at them for a moment and then nodded in assent. “You can be on your way now. I’ll see you in class tomorrow, and be on time please.”  
“I promise I will be, sir,” Neil said as he walked out the door and shut it behind him. 

The detention had taken such a short time that it was still completely bright outside. As he walked out of the front doors to the lawn, he passed Charlie on the way in.

“How was your detention?” Charlie asked.

“It was actually really good, just tell him you were helping me and he’ll probably let you off easy.” Neil told him.

“Really, that’s great.”

“Yeah, he only gave me lines and I don’t have to come in tomorrow.”

“Lucky.”

“I know.”

“Well, I’ll see you later then mate.”

“Good luck.” Neil wished.

“Thanks, hopefully I won’t need it.” Charlie turned and walked into the castle and Neil made his way to his favorite spot to sit outside.

There were a couple second year boys sitting under the wide branches of the largest oak tree on the ground but Neil stared at them for ten seconds and they got up and scurried away. Seventh year privilege you could call it, there was an unspoken rule that if an older student wanted to sit somewhere or use a book, you had to give it to them. Neil had often thought this was unfair when he was a younger student but now that he was reaping the benefits it seemed perfectly fair, everyone would get their turn in the end.

He pulled his flannel out of his bag and threw it down on the ground so that when he sat down he wouldn’t get his tan pants covered in dirt stains. Laundry was only twice a week. 

He sat down and began to pull his books out of his bag. He had physics, trig, and english tomorrow. He had physical education too, but he didn’t really consider that a subject. That meant that he only had about four hours of homework to do, which might sound like a lot to outsiders, but for people at Welton, it was extremely light work. 

As Neil put his pencil to his math worksheet, he heard a noise like someone sitting down on the other side of the tree. Normally he would have just left them alone, but he wanted to work in peace, so he stood up and walked around the tree and was surprised to see Todd sitting there.  
“It’s you. I thought it might be those second year boys I just kicked out trying to sneak back.” Neil said.

“No,” Todd laughed. “I just came here to do my homework while it's light out. THis tree is by far the best to sit under in my opinion.”

“Great minds think alike. All the other trees bother me, much too small to yield any real thought.”

“I completely agree,” Todd agreed and then looked back down at his work. “I have quite a bit to get done tonight, so I guess I’d better get started.”

“What do you have tomorrow?” Neil asked him

“Well, I have psychology, chem, trig, and english with you.”

“Well then, we have two of the same classes tomorrow, I suppose we could work together, it might go faster that way.”

“Oh, well then, just give me a minute to get my stuff.”

Neil walked back to his side of the tree, and a few seconds later, he heard Todd sit down next to him. 

“Ok what do you want to do first?” Neil asked.

“Well, I’m kind of shit at trig, not really a math person.” Todd said sheepishly.

“Then I suppose we’ll have to start with that although I’ll have to warn you that I really doubt I’m much better myself.”

“I promise you, no matter how bad you are, you’re not going to be worse than. It's my parents greatest failure that they can’t get me to also continue in the honorable line of financing. My brother will just have to be enough for them, I suppose.”

“My father is convinced that I’m going to be a doctor, but I don’t think he saw my biology grades in fourth year.”

Todd burst out laughing. “That’s going to be a big shock for him isn’t it.” 

“Well lets just hope his poor heart doesn’t give out then and there.”

“That would be awful.”

They both smiled. 

They worked on their homework for the rest of the afternoon, the conversation flowing easily between them. It took half as much time to complete all of their assignments and they were both completely done well before the sun faded out of the sky. 

“We still have a lot of time before it gets dark, and I don’t feel much like eating dinner right now, what do you think about going up the tower and watching the sunset?” Neil asked.

“Wait, there’s a tower you can climb up? I had no idea, my interest in this school just doubled.”  
Todd said, sounding surprised.

“It’s not necessarily a tower that you’re supposed to go up.” 

“And you’re sure no one will catch us?” Todd was worried.

“I’ve been going up for six years now and no one has caught me yet. But I’d say it's worth the risk, and what’s the harm in having a little fun with all the work they’re piling on our shoulders.”  
“I suppose so. Let's get going then.”

Neil grabbed his stuff and led Todd back into the school and towards the west tower. Technically, all the towers were boarded up and the students were strictly told that they were not allowed to go up into them. However, the boards covering the entrance to the west tower were loose and could easily be pried off and replaced to look as though nothing had changed. Neil had used this as a hiding spot since his first year, he had been paddled by his science teacher and wanted to find somewhere to hide where the other students wouldn’t see him crying. He had pulled at the boards in a fit of emotion, and to his surprise they had come off. Neil figured that other students probably knew about this spot, but he had never seen anyone else at the top, so if other people knew, they were keeping it to themselves. Neil hadn’t shown anyone. Honestly, he had surprised himself when he had invited Todd up, but he seemed like a trustworthy person. Neil had considered showing Charlie but quickly realized that if Charlie knew, the entire school would know within a matter of days, and so he restrained himself. 

“Here we are,” Neil said to Todd as they reached the entrance to the tower. He glanced around to make sure no one else was in the corridor. Seeing that it was all clear, he began to pry away the boards, starting at the top and working his way down to the bottom. Todd’s eyes grew larger every board he peeled away.

“No one has ever caught you doing this?” He seemed amazed.

“Not yet, they haven’t, and I’m hoping they never will.”

“That's honestly kind of amazing, you have to time it perfectly.”

“This corridor doesn’t have any classrooms in it, so it tends to be pretty quiet during the day, but I do have to be careful. On that note, please step inside.” Neil gestured magnanimously into the slightly dusty, not very grand entrance to the staircase. Todd took one look behind him and stepped inside.

“If you kill me in here, and no one ever finds my body then I hope my soul torments you forever.” Todd said grimly.

Neil laughed. “I’m not gonna murder you, idiot. Here follow me.” He quietly pushed each board back into place and started to bound up the twisting stairs two by two. “It’s best if you go up too fast, if you stay on any one stair too long, you’ll start to feel how unstable the staircase is.”  
Todd groaned, “You really are trying to kill me.”

“I’m only joking, but do hurry up. I want to be at the top before the sunset starts.”

Todd sped up behind Neil, the promise of a good view seemed to spur him on. Before long, they reached the top of the stairs. Both of them leaned over with their hands on their knees, gasping for breath as the cold autumn air filled their lungs. The musty air of the staircase being washed out. 

“Well, that was my exercise for the day,” Todd joked.

“I think those stairs are enough exercise to last me for the next month.”

“That sounds about right. I mean, who needs sports when you can just go up and down those stairs.”  
“I think that’s what they do for warm-ups on sports teams.” Neil informed him.

Todd looked horrified. “Thank god my parents saved me from that cruel fate.”

“You missed the epic highs and lows of the elementary school soccer team. It feels more as though you are suffering the cruel fate here.”

“Well I’ll entreat you to your own opinion, but I have to completely disagree and I apologise for all the suffering you must have had to go through.”

“I appreciate your apologies, those three years might honestly have been the worst of my life. That is, if my parents hadn’t sent me to Wellton directly after.”

“You make it sound so awful here, but I honestly haven’t hated it so much.”

“You haven’t been here long enough to start hating it. Give it a couple months and you’ll see.”  
“I mean some of my teachers are awful, but some of them are quite alright. I really like Mr. Keating especially.”

“He’s the best teacher I’ve ever had here. You’re lucky you got him.”

“I’m really glad I did.”

“Didn’t he say he went here himself?” Neil asked, remembering something the teacher had mentioned in their first class.

“I think he did.”

“We should try to find his yearbook tomorrow. Could be interesting.”

“Sounds like an awful idea but also possibly a very funny one, so I’m up for it.”

“Alright, tomorrow at three in the library it is.”

They talked for a while more then suddenly Todd pointed to the sky. 

They stopped talking and sat in comfortable silence as they watched the orange light of the setting sun turn the sky shades of pink and yellow. Neil felt very happy for the first time in a long time sitting next to Todd and watching the sky turn to flames. He had the strangest urge to turn and lay his head on Todd’s lap, but he brushed the thought from his mind and settled into the pillar he was leaning against as the sky grew dark and the moon rose above the clouds.


	6. on a rock in the middle of nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil looked up at Mr. Keating and they made eye contact. When Mr. Keating looked directly at Todd and spoke his next words, Neil for the first time felt as if something in his life could really have meaning. 
> 
> “What will your verse be?”

“Oi, what are you doing?”

Neil groaned as he saw Charlie throwing books off the library shelves one-by-one. There was already a pile of at least ten books on the floor and Neil knew they were going to get in trouble for it if they didn’t clean it up fast.

“Quiet down, I’m just looking for the yearbook.” 

“You don’t need to pull every single yearbook from the past fifty years off the shelf to find a single one,” Todd laughed.

“Well, It's too late for that now,” Charlie pulled a leather bound book off the shelf with the number 1981.

“Just help us put the other books back on the shelf you big dolt.” 

Charlie began to begrudgingly pick up the books he had knocked off the shelf and put them back, albeit rather sloppily. Neil shook his head, if Charlie wanted to get a note from the library detailing the time and place of his detention, he could. Neil wasn’t going to do anything to intervene. Charlie placed the annual on the table and the three of them crowded around him, anxiously trying to get a look at Mr. Keating in high school. Charlie opened it and began flipping through the pages. 

“Oh, there he is!” Todd exclaimed, pointing at a small picture at the bottom of the graduation photos. Charlie burst out laughing.

“That’s Mr. Keating,” he yelled, almost choking on his spit.

“Quiet over there,” a yell came from across the library. They quickly lowered their voices.

“His haircut is so awful,” Charlie pointed out.

“You’re one to talk,” Neil ducked as a hand came flying by his head.

“What does it say he did at the school?” Todd asked.

Neil leaned over the book, scanning the few words that were printed under his picture. “Listen to this, captain of the soccer team, editor of the school annual, Cambridge bound, Thigh man, and the Dead Poets Society.”

“Thigh man. It sounds like Mr. K was a hell raiser.”

“I bet he was.” Todd leaned down next to the book over Neil. “Man most likely to do anything, it says.”

“Well, I suppose if you could consider coming back to teach at this shit school, then that’s correct.” Neil said.

“Hey, It says ‘Dead Poets Society.’ Do either of you have any idea what that is?” Charlie asked.

“No, never heard of it,” Neil said.

“We should ask him after class today.” 

“Yeah we should,” Charlie said. “I hope it's an evil secret organization plotting to tear apart the bureaucracy of this school. I’d love to join that club.”

He ducked as Neil’s hand went flying towards his head.

\--

“Students, today we are going to begin working through the textbook.” Mr. Keating announced as he walked out of the study and started class. A groan echoed around the room and Neil felt that his sentiments aligned with most of his classmates. The class had been amazing so far, why ruin it by reading what the textbook had to say about english.

“Will you open to page 21 of the introduction and Mr. Perry, will you read the opening paragraph of the preface entitled “Understanding Poetry.” Neil picked up his glasses from his desk, his eyesight wasn’t bad, but the doctor had told him that if he was reading often, he should try to wear his glasses or it might get worse. He adjusted them over the bridge of his nose and began to read.

“Understanding Poetry, by Dr. J. Evans Pritchard, Ph.D. To fully understand poetry, we must first be fluent with its meter, rhyme, and figures of speech. Then ask two questions: One, how artfully has the objective of the poem been rendered, and two, how important is that objective. Question one rates the poem's perfection, question two rates its importance. And once these questions have been answered, determining a poem's greatest becomes a relatively simple matter.” He paused to take a breath and saw Mr. Keating walk up to the front of the classroom and pick up a piece of chalk.

Neil began again, “If a poems score for perfection is plotted along the horizontal line of a graph,” he saw Mr. Keating draw a long line along the bottom of the chalkboard and label it, “and its importance is plotted along the vertical.” Mr. Keating drew another long line and labelled it, “then calculating the total area of a poem yields its greatness.” Neil took off his glasses having finished reading the paragraph and noticed the boys around him dutifully copying down the graph Mr. Keating had drawn on the board. Neil considered doing the same, but realizing that an exact depiction of the graph was already in the next page of the textbook, he felt it wasn’t worth his time. Moreover, nothing that “Dr. J. Evans Pritchard Phd.” had said in that excessive paragraph seemed of any actual use to Neil, so he let his pen lie still on his desk. 

Mr. Keating finished his drawing on the chalkboard and turned back around to face the class. “Excrement,” he said. Neil smiled. Mr. Keating returned to face his drawing and picked up the eraser. Immediately, Neil grew excited. This lesson using the textbook might turn out to mean something after all if Mr. Keating thought the same as he did about what Dr. Pritchard had to say.

“That’s what I think of Mr. J. Evans Pritchard.” Neil laughed as did some other students and he saw Cameron to his left hurriedly crossing out the image of the graph he had copied down. “We’re not talking about laying pipe, we’re talking about poetry. I mean, how can you talk about poetry like American bandstand? I like Byron. I give him a 42, but you can’t dance to it.” There was a loud chorus of chuckling throughout the classroom. Neil looked to his right and saw Charlie suddenly look up from the page of math homework he had hidden in his desk that he was trying to complete.

“Now I want you to rip out that page!” Neil was taken aback for a moment. Having a teacher suggest to rip out a page in one of their “sacred” textbooks was far from common in this school. In fact, it might even be considered blasphemy by some. Some of his other classmates seemed even more off put than he was. Confused glances and angry whispers echoed throughout the quiet room.

“Go on. Rip out the entire page. You heard me. Rip it out!” Mr. Keating began to get more intense, pressuring the students to do what he asked.

Neil heard a ripping sound next to him. He turned and saw Charlie holding up a jagged-edged piece of paper covered with drawings of what Neil could only assume were supposed to be breasts. 

“Thank you Mr. Dalton.” Mr. Keating said enthusiastically. “Gentlemen, tell you what, don't just tear out that page, tear out the entire introduction. I want it gone, history. Leave nothing of it. Rip it out. Rip! Begone J. Evans Pritchard, Ph.D. Rip, shred, tear. Rip it out. I want to hear nothing but ripping of Mr. Pritchard.”

Neil took a long breath to calm his nerves and then carefully ripped out the page with a loud shout of delight. Quickly he began to hear the classroom fill with sounds of ripping and tearing and whooping. The class was enjoying its first moment of real freedom in the classroom since most of them had arrived at this school eight years ago. There was something so amazing about the feeling of tearing out the pages of something the school considered so sacred, of vandalizing something so pristine. Neil felt himself begin to pull out the rest of the introduction. Fuck, Dr. Pritchard anyways.

Cameron turned around to face Neil. “We really shouldn’t be doing this,” he whispered.

“Stop being such a wuss and rip your page out Cameron.” Neil yelled and waved at him. “Turn back around, and be a man.” Neil looked around the classroom and saw that no one was hesitating any longer. He looked up to the front of the classroom and caught Todd’s eye. Todd ducked his head shyly, but Neil could see the rolled up ripped out paper on his desk. He had joined the rebellion soon enough. Neil gave him a large smile and a thumbs up and found himself grinning larger when Todd smiled back. Mr. Keating had disappeared from the front of the classroom and Neil wasn’t sure where he had gone, but it didn’t really matter if they were being trusted.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door and it burst open. A very red-faced Mr. Mcallister burst into the classroom and looked indignantly at the array of surprised faces looking up at him. “What the hell is going on in here?” He cried angrily. Charlie quickly rolled up his ball of paper and shoved it in his mouth and Neil felt very inclined to do the same. 

“I don’t hear enough rips out here,” Mr. Keating said loudly, emerging from his study with a wastebasket.

“Oh, Mr. Keating, I didn’t realize you were here. Did you know that your students were ripping up their textbooks?” 

“I am in here, as you can now see, and in fact, I asked them to do so.”

Mr. McAllisters face first turned confused, then angry, then settled into a sort of constipated acceptance. “I understand now. Well, then I’ll leave you to teach your...lesson.” The final word was spoken with a very questioning air and Neil couldn’t help but think that Mr. Keating was probably going to get in trouble for this little escapade. 

Seeing the concerned looks on the boys faces, Mr. Keating assured them. “Keep ripping gentlemen. This is a battle, a war, and the casualties could be your hearts and souls.” He walked to the back of the classroom with the wastebasket and offered it to Charlie who spit out the wet wad of paper he had shoved into his mouth. “Thank you, Mr. Dalton,” he said jokingly. As he made his way around the classroom he spoke. “Armies of academics going forward. No, we will have that no longer. No more of Mr. J. Evans Pritchard. Now in my class you will learn to think for yourselves again. You will learn to savor words and language. No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”

As he approached Gerry, he said, “I see that look in Mr. Pitt's eye, like nineteenth century literature has nothing to do with going to business school or medical school. Right? Maybe.” He continued to walk around the classroom, stopping in front of various students. “Mr. Hopkins, you may agree with him, thinking "Yes, we should simply study our Mr. Pritchard and learn our rhyme and meter and go quietly about the business of achieving other ambitions." He stopped in front of Neil, “And you Mr. Perry, you might be thinking. ‘Well, I would love to spend all the time in the world learning poetry, but what use is it if my father wants me to become a doctor.’” Neil looked down at his shoes, that comment had hit a little too close to home for comfort. “I see that was a very personal remark Neil. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Mr. Keating said addressing Neil directly.

“It’s all right,” Neil said quietly. Mr. Keating turned back to face the class. “But I have a secret for you.” He walked into the middle of the classroom and crouched down. “Come on, huddle up.” Neil stood up and pushed his chair into the desk. He made his way into the middle of the classroom, leaning over the back of the boy in front of him, waiting with excitement and anticipation to hear what Mr. Keating was going to say. He felt a brush against his arm and looked behind him to see Todd leaning over his shoulder. There was something oddly comforting about the feeling of their arms brushing against each other and the feel of Todd’s breath on hte nape of his neck. 

Mr. Keating took a breath and began to speak. “We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion.” Neil didn’t have any passion, at least not for what he knew his life was going to end up being. Years and years of school and hard work that would pay off only in more hard work in a job he didn’t particularly want, marrying some rich agreeable women who his parents would essentially choose for him and spending the rest of his life and time and hard work sustaining a family he didn’t really want. But there was something in what Mr. Keating was saying. Surely, there was something he was passionate about, but really was there any way his father would ever permit him to do what he wanted. No, and he was lying to himself if he tried to convince himself of any truth in that idea. 

Neil began to listen again, “Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are all noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman: "O me, o life of the questions of these recurring, of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these, o me, o life? Answer: that you are here. That life exists, and identity. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.”

Neil felt a shiver run down his spine. What if. That eternal whisper in the back of his mind. You are only a miniscule part of this massive organism, you are floating on a circle of rock billions of times larger than you and you truly care what your father tells you to do. He felt a hand brush the back of his own and as he felt it quickly pull away, he looked beside him to see Todd blush bright red. Neil didn’t want him to think that the small gesture had made him uncomfortable, so he returned a small brush of his hand and saw Todd face contort into a small smile. 

Neil looked up at Mr. Keating and they made eye contact. When Mr. Keating looked directly at Todd and spoke his next words, Neil for the first time felt as if something in his life could really have meaning. 

“What will your verse be?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to try to update a few more times over break so be prepared for that :)


	7. who's next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I forgot what I was going to say, sorry.” Neil said.
> 
> “So rude of you to take up my time, and then forget what you were going to say,” Todd joked.
> 
> “I apologize, good sir. I shall try to do better next time.” Neil played along.
> 
> “I should hope so.”
> 
> Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. Neil jumped up and helped Todd stuff the record player under his pillow and the records between the bed and the wall. They threw themselves onto their beds and shut their eyes quickly.

Neil lay in his bed with his eyes wide open and facing the ceiling. His back was against his wrinkled sheets and he could feel the folds against his bare skin. Even though it was the middle of October, it was extremely warm in the dorms, and the school, with all of their extensive entrance fees, couldn't seem to afford fans, much less air conditioning. As Neil lay there, trying desperately to fall asleep, he heard a voice from next to him.

“Are you still awake?” Todd whispered

“It's just really hot in here,” Neil explained.

“Do none of the dorms have air conditioners?”

“No, but you'd think that after seven years of dealing with this, I’d have gotten used to it. They crank the heating up all the way in the middle of October and think we’ll be comfortable.”

“Well, at least we have plenty to think about.” Todd remarked.

Neil sat up and crossed his legs on his bed with his back to the wall so that he was facing Todd, “What, you mean Mr. Keating's class today?” he asked.

“Of course I do. I assume you’ve never had a teacher tell you to rip the pages out of a book before. I sure haven’t” Todd laughed.

“At this school we rip pages out of our textbooks all the time. In fact, all the teachers endorse it,” Neil joked. He saw Todds eyes widen in surprise and realized he hadn’t caught the joke. “Oh, I’m only joking. I think any precious teacher I’ve had would’ve pulled his own eyes out of his head before ripping a page out of a textbook.”

Todd nodded. “Sorry, I’m not very good at understanding when people are sarcastic. I tend to take everything completely seriously.”

“That’s fine. I don’t mind explaining. And if one of my friends says something you don’t understand, you can always ask me. Hopefully, I’ll have some idea what they’re talking about, although half the time I couldn’t tell you for the life of me.” Neil said kindly. Todd nodded in appreciation. He was now sitting up to face Neil as well and they both looked down at their hands. 

After a moment's pause in the conversation, Todd spoke up. “Do you like listening to music?”

“Absolutely, it's one of the few things I enjoy doing but its so hard to find a good way to listen at this school. They confiscated my Walkman when I brought it, and I kind of doubt they’re ever going to give it back.”

Todd began to smirk. “What, what is it?” Neil said excitedly. “Did you manage to sneak in something?” Todd grinned.

“You bet I did, now turn around while I get it out. I can’t divulge it’s secret hiding place to anyone else.”

“Not even me?” Neil said, fake pouting.

“No, now stop looking,” Todd said sternly and Neil turned around so that his back was to Todd. He heard Todd shuffling around and the sounds of some bumping as he pulled out a heavy object. “Ok, you can look now.” Neil turned around and his eyes widened. 

“You managed to sneak a whole record player in here! How in the world did they not catch you?”

“I have my tricks,” Todd said. Neil continued to beg, but Todd refused to divulge any more information. Neil stood up and climbed over onto Todd’s bed.

“What albums do you have?”

Todd reached down into his drawer and began to pull out albums one by one. Van Halen. Guns N’ Roses. U2. The Who. REM. The Beastie Boys. “You listen to the Beastie Boys?” Neil remarked in surprise upon seeing the album.

“Yeah of course, they’re absolutely amazing.” Todd explained.

“I know, I just didn’t think they were the kind of band any other kid at this school would listen to. My parents have told me consistently that they are trashy and only meant for, and I quote ‘thugs’”

“I’ve heard the same thing multiple times about everything I listen to. My parents just want me to listen to Tchaikovsky and Mozart and other classical shit, so I’ve given up on caring.” 

“So aggressive, that’s the first time I’ve heard you get worked up about something.” Neil laughed.

“I just really care about music,” Todd said sheepishly. Neil nodded, it was nice to learn new things about his roommate.

As Todd finished pulling out his selection of vinyls, Neil viewed them with appreciation, he definitely had taste. Like, really good taste. Neil smiled. “What should we listen to tonight?”

“It's up to you, but at the moment, I’m in the mood for this,” Todd said, pulling out a vinyl with a grey cover and the words Who’s Next in big letters. Neil grinned.

“That album is by far their best. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.”

“I wholeheartedly agree with you,” Todd said, pulling the black vinyl out of its case.

“Wait, give me two seconds,” Neil jumped up. He pulled the blanket off of his bed and then off of Todd’s and then began to shove them around the holes in the doorway, making sure all the cracks were covered. He wanted to make sure no sound could escape the room so they wouldn’t be interrupted by a grumpy teacher in the middle of their fun and be given detention. It would completely ruin the mood. “Alright, I’m done,” he said, covering the last of the cracks in the doorway. Todd carefully put the vinyl onto the record player and lowered the stylus onto it. The first chords echoed out of the speaker and Neil smiled excitedly. 

“Out here in the fields  
I fight for my meals  
I get my back in o my living  
I don’t need to fight  
To prove I’m right  
I don’t need to be forgiven

Don’t cry  
Don’t raise your eye  
It’s only a teenage wasteland”

Todd’s voice joined in on the chorus, completely off tune. Neil laughed loudly, and then felt Todd’s hand slap him lightly across the face. “It’s not like you could do any better. Let me have fun,” Todd said in joking annoyance. Neil knew he was right, his voice sounded like a dying walrus, he only sung in environments he was extremely comfortable in. With a moments thought he decided that Todd would be able to deal with his voice, so he started singing. A second later, Todd was sitting on the edge of his bed, doubled over laughing, with his hands to his stomach. 

“I’m sorry, how can you even dare to criticize my voice when you sound like that ??” Todd teased him.

Neil glared at him. “I thought this was a no judgement zone. Let me have my fun.”

“Oh, I see how it is. We only agree with things when they’re to our benefit.”

“That sounds about right.”

Todd groaned in defeat. “Fine, I suppose I can survive the rest of the night with your awful walrus voice.”

“You can and you will,” Neil said with finality. 

They stopped talking and let the music wash over them, both of them joining in when they knew the words, neither of them being even vaguely in tune, but choosing to enjoy themselves anyways. Neil stood up on top of his bed and began to dance, kicking his legs wildly and spinning around, his head nearly hitting the ceiling. He jumped up and down on the bed, completely forgetting that the springs might break, lifting a fake microphone to his mouth and yelling out the words. Todd looked up at him in amazement, he looked half between amusement and awe, but a few seconds later, he too had jumped up on his bed and was dancing with Neil, yelling out the words. 

Neil realized that he hadn’t felt this happy at this school in all of his seven years here. Of course, he had partied, gotten drunk, listened to music, and done all of the stupid teengae dream shit with his friends, but with Todd, it felt different somehow. It felt like it actually meant something, like the feeling of freedom coursing through his veins wasn’t just something he would feel for a few hours, like a drug high, that would slowly fade away leaving him nothing more than an empty shell, devoid of emotions once again. It felt like it would last, like this moment here with Todd was something special. 

“Hey, Todd” Neil started as the song that was playing came to an end.

“What is it mate?”

Neil wanted to say something, to somehow tell Todd the way he made him feel, special, worth something, but he was worried that Todd wouldn’t understand.d They had known each other for only a bit over a month, maybe Todd didn’t feel the same. Maybe it was just Neil’s imagination that he and Todd had a bond that he had never felt before. He decided not to say anything, maybe there would be a better time when he had the right words. For now, he would just enjoy Todd’s company, he only had it for one year after all. He would be heading straight to medical school after this year.

“I forgot what I was going to say, sorry.” Neil said.

“So rude of you to take up my time, and then forget what you were going to say,” Todd joked.

“I apologize, good sir. I shall try to do better next time.” Neil played along.

“I should hope so.”

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. Neil jumped up and helped Todd stuff the record player under his pillow and the records between the bed and the wall. They threw themselves onto their beds and shut their eyes quickly.

“I hope I do not hear noise in there boys,” Came the voice of the teacher who was in charge of the seventh year boys dormitories, Mr. Peterson, Neil thought his name was, although he had never taken the time to actually learn. “If you two are tired in the morning, I will know that you have been awake and you will be given a punishment, so I hope for your sake you can conceal it well.”

The sound of footsteps retreating from their door echoed down the hallway and Neil released a breath and began to chuckle under his breath. “I guess we’d better drink plenty of caffeine tomorrow morning.” He said.

“We’ll be fine, I doubt he’ll even remember checking on us in the morning, he’s too old for his brain to be working completely correctly.” Todd said as he began to quietly return the vinyls to their correct place at the bottom of his drawer.

Neil burst out laughing and then slapped his hand over his mouth trying to conceal the noise. Todd was really extremely funny, he just didn’t seem to show it when he was in larger groups of people.

“Turn around again, I still don’t want you seeing where I store my record player.” Todd instructed. Neil groaned but turned around to face his wall begrudgingly. Todd placed the record played back in its hiding place and told Neil he could turn back around. “I had a lot of fun tonight, it seems to be that the only time this school is fun is when the two of us are doing something technically against the rules in the middle of the night.”

“That is the only time you will ever have fun at this school,” Neil assured him, “but you could probably enjoy some of the parties my friends have thrown.”

“Whenever they throw one, let me know and I’ll see if that statement proves true.”

“Don’t worry, I will. Charlie will probably throw one for Halloween. He says it's his favorite holiday and throws a huge party every year because supposedly he likes dressing up, but I think it's mostly because he takes pleasure in going out and terrorizing small children.”

Todd grinned, “Well, I look forward to that.”

Neil looked at his watch and his eyes widened. They had been up talking for so long that it was now 3 in the morning. Tomorrow was not going to be a fun day. “We’d better try to sleep now or we might have to play sick tomorrow to get out of class.”

“I wouldn’t mind that.” Todd remarked.

“I genuinely think the teachers give you double the work if you’re out for being sick, so I wouldn’t advise faking it.”

“Thanks for the tip, I suppose I’ll try to fall asleep then.”

“Goodnight,” Neil said smiling to himself.

“Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so this chapter was originally going to be longer, but i wanted to get it out before break ended or i was never going to finish it, so sorry about that. 
> 
> also, the album mentioned was Who's Next by The Who's, and it is arguably their best album. The song lyrics are from "Baba O'Riley"


	8. avoiding him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil grabbed Todd’s shoulder and made him look up. “No. Forget the rules! What if, what if they said it was okay?” He desperately wanted Todd to come. He knew he shouldn’t really be doing this. He should just let Todd not come. It would separate them, make things easier. But Neil knew that Todd really did want to come, and Neil did really want to spend more time with him. He was going to help Todd with this one thing. He knew his friends would be fine with it.
> 
> “What? What are you gonna go up and ask them if -- no, no?” Todd was too late, Neil had already stood up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW // self-harm, depressive thoughts, and slight mentions of homophobia and possible eating disorder
> 
> if any of these affect you, or your mental health isn't too great, skip past the parts marked with ****____****
> 
> please take care of yourselves :)

Neil had always been attracted to girls, he knew that. There had been Jessica Rambly in the summer between 9th and 10th grade and Nora Walsch during his sophomore year, sneaking out the back of the school and bringing her on midnight diner dates. He had loved being with her, she had made him happier than he had been in a long time, but after a few months, she had broken it off with him saying that she wanted someone who could spend more time with her. After that he had fallen into a cycle of self-hate and self-harm, thinking that maybe he was truly worthless, maybe what his father said to him was true, he had no value if he didn’t live up to the expectations of the people around him, and he had obviously failed Nora. 

****____****

Neil tore at his skin with his nail, trying to pull it off layer by layer, maybe he could make himself bleed. There were tears streaming down his cheeks as he stood outside of the theatre and the snow drifted down around him, laying in soft blankets on his eyelashes and the ground. The words were echoing in his mind.

“You’re never available,” Nora had said. “You’re too caught up in your schoolwork. You never make time for me.”

Neil had been struggling to hold himself together, he had failed yet another person, but he wasn’t going to allow himself to cry in front of someone. That was too embarrassing.

“I’m breaking up with you, I hope you find someone who you care about enough to actually go out with them.” Nora said angrily and then turned on him and walked into the snow, away from him.

Neil was confused, what had he done wrong? He did care about her, but there were so many other things he was supposed to care about too, school, becoming a doctor. He needed to care about those things because if he didn’t his father might hurt him again. 

So he began to cry. It was midnight. There was no one out in the freezing cold. He was worthless. He couldn’t be enough for anyone. So he scratched himself again and again until there were blood droplets spilling out onto the snow, and he finally felt something.

****____****

Neil had sworn off feeling for anyone since then, he knew he would just let them down. It was less that he didn’t like anyone, he did, he had started to realize it a while ago, the way his jealousy of Charlie had turned into something different, or maybe it always had been. Rather than wanting to be him, Neil knew he wanted to be with him, but he had gotten over that fast, he knew Charlie wasn’t into guys, and Neil didn’t want to hurt his best friend. He couldn’t tell anyone he was into guys himself, the news would get to his father and he would probably be shipped off to some conversion camp.

But with Todd, with Todd it was something different. There was a connection between the two of them, something Neil had never felt before. Something in the way Todd always looked at the ground when he spoke, or how he brushed his hair to the side every time it fell in his eyes. There was an irresistible bond that was drawing the two of them together, and it scared Neil. It really scared him.

So, as he found his way down the crowded staircase, he decided that he would stay as far away from Todd as he could. He might hurt Todd’s feeling, but it was better in the long run. Neil couldn’t risk hurting him.

Neil pushed his way through the hordes of boys carrying styrofoam plates with layers of breakfast slop on them to the table where his friends sat. They might pay ten of thousands a year to go to this school, but the food was just as bad, if not worse than it would have been at a public school.

“Hey, Neil.” Charlie called from across the table. “Haven’t seen you since Mr. Keating’s class. You ditched me. We were supposed to ask him about the Dead Poets Society.” Charlie said the last few words with his hand cupped around his mouth as if he were whispering while he was in fact, still yelling quite loud across the dining hall. 

“Shut up Charlie, I’ll be over there in a second.” Neil yelled back at him. He scanned the table and noticed Todd sitting with the other boys. Todd smiled at him and Neil tried and failed not to make his lips curve up into a friendly smile as well. Todd finding friends was good, but it wasn’t amazing that they were Neil’s friends considering that meant he would have to be around him much more than he planned. Then again, they were roommates so there would be no avoiding it. He might have to figure out a plan to not be in the room at the same time as Todd. Neil held his plate out and the teacher behind the counter threw some slop onto it. It looked like someone had taken pancakes and syrup and mashed them up into an unrecognizable mess.

“Thank you,” Neil said politely although he probably wasn’t going to actually eat any of it. The teacher nodded at him begrudgingly. They had to take turns monitoring the meals. God knows why the school couldn’t afford to just hire cooks. Neil rarely did eat breakfast, and as he passed the garbage can directly out of his servers and friends range of view, he dumped the entire tray in. 

“What were you saying before,” Neil asked, squeezing himself into the seat between Charlie and Knox, who gave him an angry glare as he was squashed closer to Cameron.

“You deserted me after english class. We were supposed to ask him what the Dead Poets Society was.” Charlie re-explained himself.

Neil thought for a second and then it dawned on him that he had agreed to ask about the club yesterday morning. “Sorry about that, I’ve seen Keating walking on the grounds during breakfast before, so we could try to go catch him before classes start.”

Charlie nodded in agreement and stood up to throw his plate away. “Alright boys, we’re going to find Keating to ask him about a mysterious club he was a part of called the Dead Poets Society. Join us on our adventure if you dare.” Charlie said jokingly. There was immediately a bustle of movement at the table as plates and cups were thrown away and homework that was hastily being copied was handed back to its rightful owner. Knox, Meeks, Pitts, and Cameron all stood up and followed Neil out of the dining hall. Only Todd was left sitting at the table, studiously reading over a passage for history. Neil thought for a moment about telling him to come along, but then decided against it. If he was going to start isolating himself, he needed to do it now. However, his plans were thwarted when Charlie, noticing Todd still sitting at the table yelled back at him. “Get your ass off that seat and join us. You're just as much a part of the group as Pitts here.” Charlie reached up and ruffled Pitt’s - who was at least a foot taller than him - hair.

Todd smiled and quickly threw his books in his bag and joined them. He looked so happy at being included that Neil couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

They walked outside and down the water towards the lake. “I think I see him sitting down there,” Neil had said.

They approached Mr. Keating and Charlie nudged Neil. “You ask him.” Charlie said. Neil glared at him. Of course Neil was being forced to address the teacher.

“Mr. Keating. Mr. Keating” Neil yelled. Mr. Keating did not turn. “Sir!” Neil called again. He still did not turn. Charlie looked at him. 

“Say something,” Charlie insisted.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to get his attention.” Neil complained quietly. Suddenly an idea popped into his head.

“Oh Captain, My Captain!” Immediately Mr. Keating turned to face the group of boys who were by now standing directly in front of him.

“Gentlemen,” Mr. Keating addressed them.

“We were looking through your old annual,” Neil started. 

Mr. Keating interrupted him. “Oh, my god. No that’s not me. Stanley (The Tool) Wilson. Go.” He looked lost in space for a moment as if remembering days past in happiness, or possibly recollecting how awful the time had been at this school. “Now, what do you boys need?”

“Well,” Neil said. “ We were wondering what the Dead Poets Society was.”

Mr. Keating looked shocked. “I don’t think the present administration would look favorably upon that,” he said solemnly.

“Why, what was it?” Meeks joined in.

“Gentlemen, can you keep a secret,” Mr. Keating said coming closer to them.

“Sure, yeah,” Neil said eagerly.

Mr. Keating crouched in front of them. “The Dead Poets was dedicated to ‘sucking the marrow out of life.’ That's a phrase from Thoreau we would invoke at the beginning of every meeting. You see, we would gather at the old Indian cave and take turns reading from Thoreau, Whitman, Shelly -- the biggies -- even some of our own verse. And, in the enchantment of the moment, we'd let poetry work its magic.”

“You mean it was a bunch of guys, sitting around reading poetry together?” Knox asked skeptically.

“No, Mr. Overstreet,” Mr. Keating answered feigning disappointment. “it wasn't just guys. We weren't a Greek organization. We were Romantics. We didn't just read poetry, we let it drip from our tongues like honey. Spirits soared, women swooned and gods were created, gentlemen. Not a bad way to spend an evening, eh? Thank you, Mr. Perry, for this stroll down Amnesia  
Lane. Burn that, especially my picture.” He then promptly stood up, grinned at all of them and then turned and walked fast back into the school.

The bells signaling the start of school began to chime. “Dead Poets Society,” Neil said musing.

“What about it?” Charlie asked.

Neil made up his mind. “I say we go tonight.”

“Tonight?” Charlie was surprised.

“Now, wait a minute,” Cameron began, always the cautious one.

“Everybody in?” Neil asked, ignoring Cameron’s comment. The boy’s began to voice their concerns.

“Where’s the cave he’s talking about?” Pitts asked.

“It’s beyond the stream. I know where it is.” Neil confirmed.

“That’s miles!”

“Sounds boring to me.” This was Cameron.

“So don’t come,” Charlie countered.

“Do you know how many demerits we’re talking about?” Cameron again.

“Don’t come. Please.” Charlie responded again.

“Look all I’m saying is that if we go, we gotta be careful.”

Charlie grinned. “No shit, Sherlock.”

Neil was getting excited. He had never done anything so adventurous as this. There had been midnight sneaks out of the castle, and parties in dorms, but they were going to do something that had never been attempted before. They were going to run an entire club under the eyes of the administration and hope that they wouldn’t get caught. The idea made his adrenaline start to rush. A call echoed from across the grounds as the bells signalling the start of class rang. Professor Hager.

“You boys there, hurry up!”

“Alright. Who’s in?” Neil asked. He needed to make sure everyone was willing to do it. He couldn’t sit through another minute of classes thinking about wasted opportunities.

“Oh, come on Neil. Hager’s calling us.” Cameron insisted.

“Forget Hager! Who’s in?” Neil said, his voice rising to almost a yell excitement.

“I’m in,” Charlie responded immediately, his eyes flickering with happiness at a chance finally presenting itself to disobey the school. Neil looked at him gratefully.

“I’m warning you! Move!” Hager was yelling now.

“Me too,” Cameron said. Neil grinned at him, surprised he was the second one to agree to come.

“I don’t know, Neil” Pitts said, a tremor of uncertainty in his voice.

“Oh, come on. What’s wrong?” 

Charlie groaned. “Pittsie, come on.”

“His grades are hurting, Charlie.” Meeks explained.

“So you tutor him. Help him bring them up.” Neil suggested.

“What, is this a midnight study group now,” Pitts laughed.

“Forget it Pitts, you’re coming.” Neil said with finality. “Meeks, are you gonna be there?”

Meeks nodded. “I’ll try anything once!”

Charlie shoved him playfully, “Except sex.” Meeks glared at him. “What about you, Knox?” Charlie asked. Neil could see Professor Hager walking towards them across the field and he began to start moving towards the building.

“I don’t know,” Knox said. 

“Come on, Knox it will help you get Chris.” Charlie said. Neil faintly remembered who Chris was. Some girl Knox had seen once and decided he was in love with. He hadn’t been paying very much attention to the conversation, although he could remember that she had a boyfriend, but anything to make Knox join them.

“How will it help me get Chris?” Knox yelled anxiously after Charlie who had now run far ahead of him.

“Women swoon,” Charlie called over his shoulder, imitating a girl falling back with her hands over her chest.

“But why do they swoon, Charlie. Why?” Knox was desperate for an answer.

“Ok, so we’re all in,” Neil said. He had noticed that Todd hadn’t been talking this whole time, instead staying behind the group and being quiet. There was a chorus of nods and assent and Neil grinned. Finally, something interesting was happening in the school. He tried to tell himself he didn’t care if Todd wasn’t there, but he knew that it would be far more interesting if he was. Maybe just one last time, he would invite Todd, and then he wouldn’t have to feel bad about it. Todd was obviously shy and didn’t trust that he was a part of things. Neil didn’t want to hurt him that way either.

“Stop chattering and get inside,” Professor Hager yelled, now advancing towards them in anger. “Or its detention for all of you!”

“Tonight at 11, we’ll talk more after classes are over,” Neil called over his shoulder to the boys as he ran into the school.

-

The common room was loud and bustling with students who had either finished their homework and were playing loud games and laughing with each other, or angry older boys who had not yet finished their homework and were yelling at the others to be quiet. Neil was sitting at a table in the corner of the room with the people who they had now officially decided were members of the Dead Poets Society. They had agreed to meet at midnight in the entrance hall, because at that point all the teachers, who were old and always tired would be asleep, and there would still be enough moonlight that they could find their way to the cave. They were now becoming extremely loud as Meeks had pulled out a set of cards and they were playing spoons with them, or more like pens because they couldn’t get any spoons from the kitchen. Neil had already almost been stabbed in the eye three times while trying to grab one, and he had not managed to get one last turn, so he was now sitting to the side watching the game.

Mr. Mcallister walked into the room and yelled loudly. “For God’s sake, stop chattering and sit down. I can hear you boys all the way down the hall.” There was a gradual quieting of voices and the room went nearly silent. Mr. Mcallister nodded with gratitude and walked out of the room. Very different from other teachers, Mr. Mcallister commanded a kind of respect from the boys because he often saved them from getting detentions and was well known to be the teacher who gave the least work and was the most kind at the school. This meant that the room would be silent for about two minutes before reverting to its original state. Charlie whispered loudly, “Meeks, you have about 10 cards sitting next to you, hurry up and pass them,” and the game began again.

Neil noticed Todd sitting two tables over from them, obviously working on homework. There was no one next to him and he looked very focused. Neil stood up and walked over to him.

“Todd are you coming tonight?” he asked, sliding into the seat next to him.

“No.” Todd said, obviously trying to look like he was very interested in his homework, which was already completely filled out.

Neil was upset, he had to come. “Why not? God, you were there. You heard what Keating said. Don’t you want to do something?” He said loudly.

Todd looked up from his paper. “Y-yes but..” he stuttered and then trailed off.

Neil quieted down. “But what?”

“Keating said everyone took turns reading and I really don’t wanna do that,” Todd blurted out fast and in one breath.

“You really have a problem with that, don’t you?” Neil asked, concerned.

“N-no.” Todd was becoming defensive. “I don’t have a problem, I just-- I don’t wanna do it. Ok?”

Neil had an idea. “What if you don’t have to read? What if you could just sit there and listen?” He said excitedly.

“That’s not how it works.” Todd said, his eyes returning to his paper.

Neil grabbed Todd’s shoulder and made him look up. “No. Forget the rules! What if, what if they said it was okay?” He desperately wanted Todd to come. He knew he shouldn’t really be doing this. He should just let Todd not come. It would separate them, make things easier. But Neil knew that Todd really did want to come, and Neil did really want to spend more time with him. He was going to help Todd with this one thing. He knew his friends would be fine with it.

“What? What are you gonna go up and ask them if -- no, no?” Todd was too late, Neil had already stood up.

“I’ll be right back.” Neil ran over to the table where Charlie had just won the game and was celebrating with loud whoops of delight and smacking Meeks, who he had beaten in the last round. “Guys, guys. Shut up, I need to ask you something.” Quickly they became quiet, Neil was able to command their attention very well.

“What are you interrupting my celebration for?” Charlie asked.

“Ok, so I want Todd to come to the club, but he doesn’t want to read anything. No I’m not going to tell you why. Personal information that you don’t need to know,” Neil responded to the questioning look on Charlie’s face. “But is it okay if he comes, and just, I don’t know-takes notes. He can be like our secretary!”

There were glances around the table and then nods of agreement and Charlie said, “Obviously, that’s fine. It's our club now, we can make the rules. No reading if you don’t want to.”

Neil thanked them and then ran back to the table where Todd was sitting glancing up at the table Neil had just come from. 

“What did they say?” Todd asked anxiously.

Neil grinned at him. “You’re in!” He could see Todd lighting up even though he was obviously trying very hard to conceal his smile. “We’re meeting in the front entrance hall at midnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is longer than anything I've previously written and it came out in only two days, thanks to my amazing friend gillian who gave me a dead poets society mug for christmas which made me want to write every time i drank out of it, which was a lot. 
> 
> so thank you @gatherine4lyfe


	9. the first meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it unfurled, an image of a naked woman became visible covering the entire page. Neil grinned, of course Charlie would do something like this.
> 
> “Where’d you get that?” Knox asked, his eyes wide.
> 
> “I’ll never reveal my secrets.” 
> 
> Neil, without realizing he was doing it, looked over at Todd who was looking at the picture that Charlie was holding with a grin on his face. Well, at least it looked like it was supposed to be a grin. It didn’t exactly look happy though, more like Todd was having really awful constipation and trying to smile at the same time. He really didn’t seem to enjoy looking at the picture Charlie was holding up, which was very odd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK TWO WEEKS TO GET OUT. i have finals next week and its the end of the semester, so i've been working my ass of for school. blame my teachers. i'm hoping to write faster, i just have to figure out how to balance my schedule well, and its been a bit of a struggle. but i hope u guys like this chapter !!
> 
> anyways, TW // slight homophobic slur

Neil fiddled through his still not empty suitcase, looking for the flashlight that he knew he had packed in case of late night study sessions when he needed to be unseen. He found it and pulled it out. Flicking it on and off a few times, he was glad to learn that the batteries were still working well. He turned to look at his desk and noticed a beaten up book sitting on it that he had never seen before, Five Centuries in Verse, it was called. He opened the front page to try and find whose it was and saw the name J. Keating written in a sprawling script across the inside cover. There was a note written inside of it too, “To be read at the beginning of Dead Poets Society meetings.” He heard a loud knock on the door and opened it to Professor Hager’s scowling face.

“Go get ready for bed. Lights out in 15 minutes!” He said loudly, his voice echoing throughout the entire senior dorm. Neil nodded respectfully and Hager turned to close the door. Neil grabbed it before it slammed shut and slipped out with his toothbrush and pajamas in his hand. He walked down the hall to the already crowded bathroom, needling his way through groups of boys clustered around each sink until he was standing next to Charlie. He pulled out his toothbrush, spread the toothpaste on it and began brushing vigorously. He felt a hard slap on his back and almost choked as he was pushed forward and toothpaste flew out of his mouth all over the sink. He turned to see who had done it and saw Charlie running out of the room fast and laughing loudly. Neil yelled, wiped his hand over the back of his mouth and then began to chase him.

“Asshole,” he yelled. “What did I ever do to you?”

“Nothing,” Charlie yelled back. That was the answer Neil had expected. Charlie simply liked to incite anger everywhere he went and he revelled in the chaos that often ensued. Usually, Neil didn’t engage him and just ignored it. Eventually Charlie would just give up, but for some reason, Neil felt like causing trouble today. He pushed passed all the boys in the bathroom, causing many of them to begin to talk loudly, asking what was going on. He grinned. This was absolutely going to drive Hager insane. Perfect.

He burst out into the corridor and looked around madly for Charlie. At the end of the hall, he saw Meeks pushing someone into a room and slamming the door shut behind them. 

“Are you trying to hide Charlie from me?” He yelled at Meeks. “I don’t think you realize what you’re getting yourself into!”

Meeks shrugged and turned with his back to the door. Hearing the noise in the hall, many boys were now peeking their heads out of their rooms. It wasn’t often that anyone dared to have any fun this soon before they were meant to turn their lights off. Neil walked slowly down the hallway. He was completely joking, but he wanted to intimidate Meeks as much as possible. There was a tap on his shoulder and Neil turned to see Knox standing walking behind him.

“Why are we walking slowly down the hallway?” Knox leaned down and whispered in Neil’s ear.

“Charlie made me spit my toothpaste all over the sink.” Neil whispered back. Knox’s mouth fell open in a look of imitated surprise.

“What are we planning to do to him?”

“First, we have to get Meeks out of the way, and then I’m going in. He needs retribution.”

“I’ll deal with Meeks.” Knox had a devilish look on his face. He was nearly a foot taller than Meeks, who stood at only 5’7 and Neil knew this was going to turn out to be a very funny evening. They approached the door where Meeks was standing stock still, looking straight ahead as if he were a guard standing in front of a treasure chamber.

“Can we please go through this door?” Neil asked, already knowing the answer.

“I have a duty to my commander, good sirs. I’m afraid I cannot let you in.” Meeks said, refusing to make eye contact. Neil nodded to Knox who proceeded to grab Meeks and push him playfully away from the door. Meeks was obviously trying very hard to get out of Knox’ hold, headbutting him in the stomach and making mad dashes to both sides, but Knowx was much too large to allow any of these things to happen. Neil watched the scene unfold before him and was almost doubled over in laughter at Meeks’ failed attempts.

“Stop watching me, go do your duty.” Knox yelled, and Neil remembered why they were trying to get the door open anyways. He pushed the door open, there were no locks and found Charlie calmly sitting on the window seat. He didn’t seem to notice that the door had been opened and was staring intently outside. 

“CHARLIE!” Neil yelped, and Charlie physically jumped up and almost fell out of the seat, but stopped himself at the last moment. He whipped his head around to see the speaker, and when he realized that it was Neil a look of terror came over his face. Neil rarely took revenge on people, but when he did, it was bound to be evil. 

“I didn’t mean anything by it. It was just a friendly pat on the back. I was just giving you encouragement for brushing your teeth so well,” Charlie began to blurt out.

Neil’s eyes pierced him and he quickly shut up. “You had better watch out,” Neil said. “You never know what might happen to you. You might wake up with spiders in your bed, or with ice water poured down your back. Or maybe, all of your notes will start to disappear. Or maybe,” and as Neil said this, an evil grin came over his face, “something might happen to your hair gel!”

Charlie’s eyes grew wide. “Neil please don’t.” He was being serious now, not just participating in a game of role-play. “Please don’t touch my hair gel.”

“We’ll see.” Neil said with a smirk on his face, and turned to walk out of the room. He looked to his left and saw that Knox was still holding Meeks with his arms pinned down behind him. “You can let him go now. I’ve dealt with Charlie.”

At that moment, Dr. Hager walked out of his office to see the hallway crowded with boys who had come out of their rooms to watch the ongoings. “Go back to your rooms.” He yelled harshly. “It's nearly 10 o’clock and I need to get my sleep. You hooligans need to all be in bed in 10 minutes!” There was a collective inaudible sigh as everyone in the hall’s shoulders slumped and they slowly made their way back into their rooms. This was probably the most fun night they had had in a long time, and would have for a very long time, but Neil knew that his night was nowhere near over yet. He walked to the bathroom, put away his things and threw on his pajamas quickly. He headed back to his dorm and found Todd just exiting it.

“What did I miss? I only just got upstairs a minute ago.” Todd asked.

“Not much, just don’t ask who it is if one morning, Charlie finds all of his toiletry products filled with food dye.” 

Todd looked confused for a moment and then a look of realization dawned on his face and he grinned. “I’m looking forward to it,” he said and then passed Neil and walked down the hall into the bathroom. Neil spent a moment watching him and then shook his head and stepped into the dorm. He decided it would be smart to get at least a few hours of sleep, considering he still had school tomorrow, and most likely wasn’t going to get back in until at least 3 AM. He set his alarm for 11:30, pushed it under the pillow so no one else would hear when it went off, and threw himself onto his bed. 

He was already asleep by the time the door opened and Todd came back in.

\--

The alarm sounded loudly in Neil’s ear and he slammed his hand against it, shutting it up. For a moment, he hesitated to get up, thinking it was already morning and he had to get ready for school. He realized why it was actually ringing and quickly climbed out of his bed. He considered putting on actual clothes, but then decided that it wasn’t worth it, he would need to get ready for bed fast later, and didn’t want to make any noise. So, Neil threw on a robe and a pair of shoes, grabbed his flashlight, and shook Todd awake.

“What, what is it?” Todd asked groggily.

“Come on,” Neil said in an excited whisper. “Or have you forgotten already. It's the first Dead Poets Society meeting!”

Todd rolled over on his bed covering his face with his blanket. Suddenly, he too had a moment of realisation and almost jumped out of bed. 

“Hurry up or we’re going to be late.” Neil said.

Todd scrambled out of bed and into his shoes. He rummaged in his bedside drawers for several minutes until his head popped up again and he was holding a flashlight. 

“Alright, I’m ready to go now.” Todd whispered.

“Do you have a notebook to keep a record of the meeting in?” 

Todd, who was halfway out the door, turned around and grabbed something off the window ledge. It was too dark to actually see, but Neil assumed that it was something to write in. “sorry about that,” Todd said apologetically.

“Don’t worry about it, we just have to hurry now. Be as quiet as you possibly can.” Neil told him. “Follow my footsteps, I have enough experience sneaking out that I know which floorboards don’t creak.” He added as an afterthought.

They snuck out into the hallway, crouching low and walking fast. If one person was caught in the middle of the night, they could just say they were going to the bathroom, but two, it was more risky. There wasn’t exactly an excuse for two people. They reached the staircase leading down and tiptoed as fast as they could. They reached the bottom and Neil could see five figures at the end of the hallway, near the front door. He and Todd approached them and all of them slapped each other's backs, grinning, congratulating each other on the escape of their rooms. The celebration was too soon, though, because Neil suddenly heard the yelp of the campus dog. He had almost forgotten about this danger. A few years ago, the school had realized how many students were escaping and sneaking out in the middle of the night, so they had bought guard dogs, for the sole purpose of making noise when anyone was about to leave. Thankfully, this problem could be easily remedied if one just threw a few treats. The numbers of people sneaking out hadn’t gone down much. 

Neil saw Charlie reach into his pocket, pull out a few biscuits, and toss them down to the dogs who immediately snatched them up and ceased their whining. Neil heard a door upstairs open, and he hurriedly ushered everyone closer to the front door so they could escape quickly. However, the sound of the door closing echoed through the hallways, and Neil let out a sigh of relief. The treats had done the trick. Knox grabbed the handle on the door, lifted it up slightly, so the bottom wouldn’t screech along the floor, and opened it. You learned a few tricks after several years of sneaking out. They all ran out of the door and into the chilly night air. They remained silent until they had climbed over the stone wall guarding the end of the school’s property and finally reached the woods.

Upon entering them, Charlie yelled, “We’re free!” and began to run through the trees whooping and shouting and jumping.

“Charlie, you’d better shut up. They can still hear you back at the school if you’re being that loud!” Cameron cautioned him.

“They’ll never catch me,” Charlie yelled already almost 50 feet in front of everyone else. Neil had to agree with him on this point. As soon as you reached the woods, you were pretty much home free. The teachers were old, and unwilling to search through the trees in the dark. They ran through the forest, something about the excitement of completely breaking the rules and being in the woods in the middle of the night made them all go just a bit faster and before long, they had reached the creek along which the Indian Cave lay.

“Spread out and try to find the entrance,” Neil called, and the boys dispersed along the bank. There was some sound of splashing as Meeks and Pitts crossed to search the other side of the bank. Neil’s heart was racing as he waded through the shallows of the stream and pushed aside hanging moss. The moon shone brightly overhead, its silver beams shining through the leaves of trees and making shadows dance along the ground. The forest was almost completely quiet except for the sound of crickets chirping and the occasional owl hoot, and Neil thought he could hear his own heart beating. He hadn’t felt this at peace, or really wanted to be alive in so long, and he could almost feel something loosening off of his chest, making him feel just a little bit lighter. 

Suddenly, there was a rustle behind the moss, and a figure jumped out at him.

“Yaaa, I’m a dead poet!” Charlie yelled as he flew out at Neil, who was so surprised that he tripped over the root behind him and almost fell backwards into the stream, only stopping himself at the last minute by grabbing onto the trunk of a small tree. 

“We found the cave,” Neil called to everyone, recovering from the scare.

“I think you mean I found the cave,” Charlie corrected.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you want to say.” Neil joked.

“I did literally find the cave, you played no part in it at all,” Charlie laughed. Neil remained stoically silent for a moment.

“No comment.” He finally said. Charlie leaned into Neil and put his arm around his shoulder. 

“Aw, he loves me.” Charlie said, putting his face right next to Neils.

“No, I do not,” Neil said, pulling away from Charlie. He turned around to see if everyone else was coming into the cave, and saw Todd, staring directly at him and Charlie, his cheeks completely red. Todd saw Neil looking at him and immediately looked at the ground as if he had been caught looking at something very personal. Neil didn’t say anything , because he knew it would embarrass Todd, but he did wonder why he had looked so red.

The boys filed in one by one, first Todd, then Pitts, Meeks, Knox, and Cameron. They all pulled off their coats and settled down around the slightly cramped, damp cave. 

“Hey, it’s kind of chilly in here. What if I start a fire?” Charlie asked.

“Are you trying to smoke us all out of here?” Meeks said apprehensively.

“Hey,” Knox said, pointing at the ceiling of the cave. “There’s an opening there, it should work as a chimney.”

Charlie set to work starting a fire, grabbing scraps of wood from around the room, and ripping a few pieces of paper from a reluctant Todd’s notebook. Once the fire was started, Charlie leaned back against the cave wall and asked, “Does anyone have cigarettes?” There was a general rustling of pockets as everyone began to search.

“I’ve got some,” Pitts exclaimed, pulling a battered paper box out of his left pocket.

“Pass them around. Pass them around.” Charlie said as Pitts took one out, and then passed in the opposite direction of Charlie. Eventually, everyone had taken one and lit it with the fire, except for Cameron, who had politely shaken his head and passed it on to Knox.

Neil pulled the poetry book out of his pocket, took a hit out of his cigarette and opened it to the first page. He was about to begin reading when he realized he should probably start with an opening statement. “I hereby reconvene the Welton Chapter of the Dead Poets Society. These meetings will be conducted by myself and by the rest of the new initiates now present. Todd Anderson, because he prefers not to read, will keep minutes of the meetings.”

Neil looked at Todd who grimaced slightly, as if he didn’t really like the job he had been given. Neil was about to say something, then mentally slapped himself. He was supposed to be ignoring Todd, not being concerned about him. It wasn’t his problem. He tried to brush the thought from his mind and continued reading.”I will now read the traditional opening message from society member Henry David Thoreau.” Neil looked down at the book sitting open in his lap, taking another drag on the cigarette. “I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow out of life.”

“I’ll second that,” CHarlie interrupted loudly. Neil glared at him.

“New rule. No interrupting other speakers. Write that down,” Neil said motioning to Todd, who immediately scribbled something in his notebook.

Neil continued reading. “To put the rout all that was not life, And not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. Overstreet, your turn,” Neil said, passing the book to Knox who stood up and nearly knocked his head on the roof of the cave and ended up having to read leaning over slightly. 

“The millions are awake enough for physical labor; but only one in a million is awake enough for effective intellectual exertion, only one in a hundred millions to a poetic or divine life. To be awake is to be alive.” Knox read. 

“Hey, some of this stuff isn’t as wishy-washy as I thought it would be.” Pitts said. 

“It was quite rude of you to doubt the worth of this club,” Neil said to him.

“Well, what am I supposed to think when someone tells me that I’m supposed to join a club full of a bunch of poofs reading poetry?” There was a chorus of laughter.

“Well, you’re here aren’t you. So does that mean you’re a poof too?” Neil countered. Pitts looked down at his feet with no response. Neil had gotten him. “Cameron it’s your turn to read,” Neil said.

Cameron was handed the book by KNox and began to flip through the pages. Eventually he stopped, seeming to have found a passage he liked and began to read. “"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

“That’s perfect for me,” Knox yelled. “I want success with Chris.”

“Oh, shut up, Knox,” Meeks groaned. “No one cares about Chris.” Knox looked slightly injured but quickly brushed it off.

“I do, and by that means all of you care about her too, because you care about me,” he grinned.

“I guess I don’t care about you then,” Meeks joked and Knox slapped the side of his head. Cameron, having finished reading, passed the book to his left, to Todd. Neil noticed quickly what had just happened and, noticing Todd’s finger frozen stiff with fear and his wide eyes, Neil quickly grabbed the book from his hands and passed it to Meeks before anyone else saw what had happened.

“"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost. That is where they should be. Now put foundations under them,” Meeks read.

“God, I want to do everything.” Neil shouted. “I’m going to explode.”

“No, you’re not, dumbass.” Charlie said scathingly. Neil glared at him and then took the book from Meeks and slammed it shut. 

“Alright, intermission.” Charlie said. “Get all your food, and lay it down right here. Dig deep.” Charlie motioned to a spot in the middle of the floor to lay down the food.

“I’m not about to put food on the muddy ground,” Meeks complained.

“So put your coat down. Use it as a blanket.” Meeks groaned but reluctantly lifted his coat form underneath himself and put it down on the floor. Food began to be thrown down and hands reached eagerly for it. 

“Wait a minute,” Charlie said annoyedly. “Who gave us half a roll?”

“I’m eating the other half,” Cameron explained sheepishly. “What, you want me to put it back?”

Charlie rolled his eyes. 

Once the commotion had settled down, Neil began to tell a story. “It was a dark and rainy night. And this old lady, who had a passion for jigsaw puzzles, sat by herself in her house at her table to complete the new jigsaw puzzle. As she pieced the puzzle together, she realized to her astonishment that the image that was formed was her very own room, and the figure in the center of the puzzle as she completed it was herself. And with trembling hands, she placed the last four pieces and stared in horror at the face of a demented madman at the window. The last thing that this old lady ever heard was the sound of breaking glass.”

There was silence for a moment, and then Charlie’s voice echoed. “No shit.”

“This is true. This is true.” Neil said adamantly.

“No, it's not, you fucking liar.” Charlie said. 

“Wait, wait.” Cameron interrupted. “I have a story to tell.”

“Ok, get on with it,” Pitts said.

“Ok, so there’s a young married couple and their driving through the forest at night from a long trip. And they run out of gas, and there’s a madman on the loose.”

“Oh, that thing with the hands?” Charlie said.

“And there’s, like, the madman on the roof” Pitts added. 

“I love that one,” Cameron sulked.

“I told it to you,” Charlie said.

“You did not! I got that in camp, in sixth grade!” Cameron protested.

“Do you want to hear some real poetry?” Charlie asked, a sly grin creeping onto his face. 

“Want this?” Meeks asked, offering the poetry book to Charlie.

“No, no I don’t need it,” Charlie said, brushing his hand away.

“An original piece by Charlie Dalton.” Meeks said, sounding surprised.

“Take center stage,” Pitts announced.

“This is history gentleman, history. Charlie Dalton actually wrote a poem,” Neil teased.

Charlie reached into his pocket and unfurled a page of a magazine. As it unfurled, an image of a naked woman became visible covering the entire page. Neil grinned, of course Charlie would do something like this.

“Where’d you get that?” Knox asked, his eyes wide.

“I’ll never reveal my secrets.” 

Neil, without realizing he was doing it, looked over at Todd who was looking at the picture that Charlie was holding with a grin on his face. Well, at least it looked like it was supposed to be a grin. It didn’t exactly look happy though, more like Todd was having really awful constipation and trying to smile at the same time. He really didn’t seem to enjoy looking at the picture Charlie was holding up, which was very odd. 

“Teach me to love. Go teach thyself more wit:” Charli began. “I, chief professor, am on it. The god of love, if such a thing there be, may learn to love from me.”

“Did you actually write that?” Neil was skeptical.

Charlie glanced at the back of the page. “Abraham Cowley,” he grinned and folded the sheet carefully back up. “Ok, who’s next,” he said, obviously trying to avoid questioning. Neil decided to let him get away with it.

“Alfred Lord Tennyson.” He said. “Come my friends,  
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world  
for my purpose holds to sail beyond the sunset.  
And though we are not now that strength which in old days  
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;--  
One equal temper of heroic hearts,  
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will.  
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

There was no response. Everyone seemed to be contemplating the words Neil had just read. 

“I think those words may have been slightly too smart for us.” Charlie said. 

“Maybe for you,” Meeks said. “I understood completely.”

“Ok, so explain it to us, Mr. Genius.”

There was silence and then Meeks snatched the book from Neils hands and began reading. “Then I had religion. Then I had a vision. I could not turn from their revel in derision.” He had fallen into a beat now and was almost rapping. Neil was on the verge of laughter, but was trying very hard not to burst out. “Then I saw the congo, creeping through the black. Cutting through the forest with a golden track. Then I saw the congo-”

“Meeks,” Charlie was trying to stop Meeks, who was now full on rapping and didn’t look like he was going to stop anytime soon. “Meeks,” there was no answer and Charlie realized his mission was going to fail.

“Creeping through the black. Cutting through the forest with a golden track. Then I saw the congo creeping through the black, cutting through the forest with a golden track.” Meeks was getting louder now, and he stood up and turned to face the exit to the cave. “Then I saw the congo, creeping through the black. Cutting through the forest with a golden track.”

Neil’s sides were heaving with laughter. Meeks was so insanely awful at rapping and was just repeating the words over and over again, but as it seemed the meeting was coming to a close and there was no way to stop Meeks, Neil decided he might as well join in. He began to sing along with Meeks, pounding the rhythm out onto the wall as he followed Meeks out of the cave. The other boys joined in as they paraded out, Charlie coming last of all because he had to quench the fire.

“THEN I SAW THE CONGO CREEPING THROUGH THE BLACK, CUTTING THROUGH THE FOREST WITH A GOLDEN TRACK.”

They repeated this, yelling at the top of their lungs as the sun could be seen rising over the Vermont mountains in the east and the sky was turning gray and pink. They kept going until they reached the stone wall and pulled open the wrought iron gate, which creaked as it slowly pulled open. They kept singing, under their breaths now as they ran across the grounds and back into the school.

They only stopped as they tiptoed up the stairs as fast as they could, bid each other fast goodbyes and ran into their rooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to start setting tentative dates for publishing, so i can try to hold myself accountable and actually write. my exams are over after next monday, so i'm going to say by 1.27.21 the next chapter should be up !


	10. i care about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m being chased by a Walt Whitman,” Neil yelled as Todd made a very close swipe at the notebook. Todd yelled and threw himself on top of Neil who was flattened onto his bed with Todd lying directly across him. Neil shoved his face into his pillow and smothered his laugh. He quickly stuck the notebook underneath his chest so that Todd wouldn’t be able to get it, even though he couldn’t move.
> 
> “Neil, I swear to God, if you don’t give me the notebook back right now.”
> 
> “What are you gonna do to me?” Neil teased him.
> 
> Todd leaned down against Neil, and whispered into his left ear. “Unspeakable things.”
> 
> Neil burst out laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the longest thing i've ever written omg, it's over 6,000 words so i hope you guys enjoy it!

The four hours of sleep were wearing on Neil as he walked into his english class the next day. His head was aching and felt heavy. His eyelids refused to stay open without intense force and mental concentration, although his mind seemed barely able to focus on anything. He didn’t regret last night's adventures though, despite the toll they were inflicting on him now. He had thoroughly enjoyed himself and it seemed the rest of the club had as well. They already had a meeting date set for Friday night. 

He walked into the classroom and sat down at his desk, dropping his books onto it with a loud thump. Mr. Keating walked into the classroom with a swagger and a large book on his desk. “Today boys, he said, we are going to be examining the beauty of words.” Neil was slightly confused. Was that not what they had been doing the entire time the had been in Mr. Keating’s class?

“I see your looks of confusion,” Mr. Keating said, then held up the large book he was holding. “This here, as you can see is a dictionary.” Neil grinned. Trust Mr. Keating to pull out a dictionary to teach a lesson. “Let me explain the assignment. I will give you a word and you must write down a synonym to that word which is more beautiful, more poetic, more inspired. Each of you will tell me the word you have come up with and whoever has come up with, in my opinion, the most beautiful word will win…” Mr. Keating paused making his class lean forward in anticipation, “a sticker.” There were several groans around the classroom as the teenage boys realized that they were only going to get a sticker if they did well on this assignment. 

“Oh, but those of you who are groaning obviously don’t understand the value of a sticker and I suppose I’ll have to leave you to find it out on your own.” Neil was personally very excited at the prospect of receiving a sticker and vowed to try and do well on this assignment. He did, in fact, really enjoy stickers and had an entire notebook filled with stickers he had collected over his 17 years of life. They got increasingly better in quality as time went on and he could barely remember where the stickers that filled the first few pages came from.

“Here is your first word,” Mr. Keating said, looking down at the notebook lying on his desk. “Angry.” 

Neil put his pencil in his mouth and began to think. Annoyed was far too easy. He could use infuriated or enraged but they still seemed too simple, surely someone else in the class would think of those and write them and he didn’t want to be unoriginal. He combed his mind for any other words he knew that meant angry. Suddenly, a word popped into his mind, splenetic. It wasn’t exactly what you would call beautiful but it would have to work and he hardly thought anyone else in the class would think of it. 

“Time,” Mr. Keating, who had been looking at his watch the whole time Neil had been thinking, called. “Now boys tell me what you’ve got. We’ll start with Mr. Camden, and then from the front to back of each row.”

The boys began to list their words and Neil was glad to hear that no one had thought of him. It was finally his turn. “Splenetic,” he said and received a smile and an approving look from Mr. Keating. The last row of people read out their words and Mr. Keating went back to the front of the classroom. 

“Our first winner is Mr. Neil Perry. Please come up to accept your prize.” Mr. Keating announced like a king speaking to his soldiers. Neil grinned and pushed aside his chair with a loud creak. He walked up to the front of the classroom and stood in front of Mr. Keating. “Please bow your head and give me your hand.” Neil laughed, but obeyed and felt a sticker being placed on his right hand. He turned around to face the class and lifted his hands as if directing an orchestra. There was a loud chorus of applause and an extremely loud whoop flew through the classroom from Charlie’s mouth. Neil walked back to his seat, high-fiving the boys in his row as he went. 

The lesson went on in this way for around fifteen minutes. Mr. Keating would call out a word and the boys would each think of a synonym and read it to him. The game did not end until Knox came up with the best synonym for sad.

“Morose.”

“Exactly, Morose! Now, language was developed for one endeavour and that is?” Mr. Keating paused and pointed at Todd, obviously looking for an answer. Todd hung his head and his cheeks grew bright red. Neil knew that Todd knew what the answer was, but hated speaking in front of people. It sometimes seemed that he was genuinely stupid, but Neil knew that wasn’t the case and he wished there was a way he could show everyone else that, but alas. “Come on Mr. Anderson, Are you a man or an Amoeba?” Mr. Keatgin asked, bringing even more attention to Todd. 

Although Neil was sure that Mr. Keating wasn’t trying to purposely make Todd embarrassed and uncomfortable, that was exactly what he was doing. Neil refused to let Todd sit there in silence and embarrassed so he decided the best thing he could do was try to answer for Todd, although he didn’t exactly know what the answer Mr. Keating was looking for war. Neil raised his hand. Mr. Keating turned from facing Todd and looked at Neil.

“Mr. Perry.”

Neil paused for a second, thinking. He hadn’t actually come up with an answer yet so when he finally spoke it came out as more of a question than a statement. “Uh, to communicate?”

“No!” Mr. Keating said loudly, almost scaring Neil out of his seat. “To woo women.” The class laughed loudly, and once it quieted down, Mr. Keating announced the next assignment. “Today we’re going to be talking about William Shakespeare.” There was a very large, very apparent change in the attitude of the class at this statement. 

Neil’s own attitude also changed considerably. His own experience with Shakespeare at this school had been far from good. He didn’t dislike the stories, but rather the way they were taught, slowly and laboriously with much discussion about his grammar and at the end an essay analyzing Shakespeare’s importance in the history of literature. The one time Neil had tried to make the reading interesting by gathering a group of friends to act it out during their free period, his endeavour had immediately been shut down by the administration and told that was not how Shakespeare was meant to be read.

Neil shook his head and chuckled softly at this, remembering how annoyed he had been especially considering the fact that Shakespeare’s works were literally plays. 

Mr. Keating looked around the classroom of downcast faces at the mention of Shakespeare and continued to speak. “I know. A lot of you look forward to this about as much as you look forward to root canal work.” there were several nods of agreement. “However, today we’re going to talk about Shakespeare as someone who writes something very interesting. I want you to write down in your notebooks or what have you every play by Shakespeare you have ever read.”

There was a flurry of motion as the class pulled out their notebooks and began to write. After two minutes Mr. Keating called back the class's attention. “Now,” he said, “Someone read me the list you’ve written.” Several hands raised hesitantly. “Mr. Cameron.”

Cameron looked down at his notebook and began to read. “Julius Caesar, Macbeth, Henry V, Hamlet.” He stopped reading, and looked up at Mr. Keating.

“Is it safe for me to assume this is something like what all of your lists look like?” Mr. Keating addressed the class. There were several nods of assent. “That is, unfortunately, the best I expected from this school, although I had hoped for better. They seem to think that Shakespeare’s comedy and entertainment were not truly part of his playwriting and I’m sorry you boys have had to go through this. I expect you heard Shakespeare done very much like this…” At this point Mr. Keating adopted an extremely nasal British accent. “Oh, Titus bring your friend hither.” 

There were several laughs and Neil joined in. That impression was almost exactly accurate although generally, it would have come from someone much older than Mr. Keating himself and therefore more spitting would have been thrown in between each word.

“But, of course, if any of you have seen Mr. Marlon Brando, you know Shakespeare can be different.” Mr. Keating now adopted Marlon Brando’s accent. “Friend, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your ears,” he said, quoting Julius Caesar. “And you can possibly imagine John Wayne as Macbeth, going,” in a deep southern accent now, “Well, is this a dagger I see before me.”

The classroom was now chorusing with laughter at Mr. Keatings perfect impressions and Neil was very impressed. He had not expected his teacher to be able to make his students laugh at Shakespeare, much less be actually good at acting. 

“Today we are going to be reading Much Ado About Nothing. I’m going to read the first part out loud to you and next class I’ll expect you to each have your own copy.” Mr. Keating lifted up a battered book off his desk and opened it to the first page. “ Come here, closer to my desk, so you can hear me when I read to you.” He instructed. The students filed up one by one and Neil found himself kneeling directly in front of Mr. Keatings desk.

He started reading. “Dogs, sir? Oh, not just now. I do enjoy a good dog once in a while, sir. You can have yourself a three-course meal from one dog. Start with your canine crudites, go to your Fido flambe for main course and for dessert, a Pekingese parfait. And you can pick your teeth  
with a little paw.” He paused a moment and again the class was filled with laughter, for Mr. Keating had read this in a very childish high voice.

Mr. Keating kept reading until he had finished the first scene of the play and by the time he was done, Neil was in a very good mood. He honestly hadn’t expected even Mr. Keating to be able to make Shakespeare truly entertaining so he had been very pleasantly surprised when he had found himself almost dying of laughter about half the time the scene was being read. 

Mr. Keating threw the book onto the desk and then stood up. “All of you, go back to your seats,” he said. The class stood up and dispersed back to their seats. Mr. Keating then proceeded to step onto his chair and then onto his desk. “Why do I stand up here?” he asked.

“To feel taller,” Charlie called out without raising his hand. 

Mr. Keating hit an invisible bell in the air. “No, thank you for playing. Mr. Dalton. I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must always look at things in a different way.”

Neil wasn’t exactly sure what his teacher meant by this or how this was something that could be applied to everyday life. You couldn’t exactly go around and stand on high platforms any time you needed a little refresher. 

Mr. Keating scanned the classroom from the top of his desk. “You see! The world looks very different from up here. You don’t believe me? Come on. Come on!” He said, motioning for the boys to come up to his desk. They began filing up one by one, forming a very ill looking line that was far more of a clump. 

“I do think this man might be going a bit insane.” Charlie whispered as he sidled up next to Neil. Neil grinned and leaned in to whisper back.

“At least it's a better kind of insane than old Mr. Cardiff.”

“I wouldn’t doubt Keatings ability to start on the same path.”

“That man was literally just senile, not insane. Remember when he used to lock the classroom door and not let us in, and then mark every single student tardy?” Neil reminded Charlie, who burst out laughing. Mr. Keating looked over at the loud noise with a stern look in his eyes. He may have been the best teacher at this school, but he was still strict. 

“We have only five minutes left in class and in that time, I want each of you to climb up on top of this desk and take a look around,” Mr. Keating instructed. Teddy, the first boy in line stood up on the desk and Mr. Keating began to speak as each boy in turn stood up on the desk. 

“Just when you think you know something, you have to look at it in another way. Even though it may seem silly or wrong, you must try! Now, when you read, don't just consider what the author thinks. Consider what you think. Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out! Don't just walk off the edge like lemmings. Look around you.”

The bell rang signalling the end of class and Neil still hadn’t climbed up on the desk. There was a clamber of movement as the rest of the line tried to get up on the desk before they had to leave the room. Neil saw Todd climb up slowly, look around and then jump down and go to grab his things as Neil started to climb up on the desk. He jumped down and walked to his desk and the boy who had been in line behind him climbed up.

“There! There you go, Mr. Priske. Thank you! Yes! Dare to strike out and find new ground. Now, in addition to your essays, I would like you to compose a poem of your own, an original work.” Although this was Neil’s favorite class, one could not expect any teacher at this school to not assign copious amounts of homework. At least this assignment wasn’t structured though, and Neil felt sure he could come up with something to write. It didn’t necessarily have to be good. 

Before too many people had left the classroom, Mr. Keating called out. “Oh, and you’ll have to share it in front of the class on Monday.” He looked pointedly at Todd. “Mr. Anderson. Don’t think I don’t know that this assignment scares the hell out of you, you mole.” Todd quickly ducked his head, threw his bag over his shoulder and dashed out of the classroom. Neil felt bad for him. A part of him wanted to talk to Mr. Keating about helping Todd, but he wasn’t sure if that was too much interference. But, if Todd didn’t know that Neil was helping, then maybe it wouldn't count. He wouldn’t technically be interacting with Todd, just helping from afar.

The classroom began emptying as the boys left to their next classes until Neil was the last one left in the room. It was the last class of the day and Neil wanted to talk to Mr. Keating and thank him for introducing the Dead Poets Society.

“What is it Neil?” Mr. Keating asked in a kind voice.

Neil turned from the pile of books he was picking up off of his desk to see Mr. Keating standing next to the blackboard with an eraser in his hand. “Sorry to keep you late,” Neil said. “I just wanted to thank you for introducing the Dead Poets Society, and for giving me the poetry book.”

A small smile crept onto Mr. Keating’s face. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. I will not ask if you actually held a meeting because then I would know something that could be held against both you and me, but I trust that if you did it went well and you were very careful.” 

Neil smiled and nodded. “No, sir we most definitely did not sneak out last night. However, if we did, we would have had a very good meeting and been very careful not to get caught.”

Mr. Keating gave a nod of assent. “Is there anything else you wanted to discuss, or is that all?”

Neil thought for a moment, then made up his mind. “I also wanted to talk to you about Todd Anderson.”

Mr. Keating looked concerned. “What did you want to tell me?”

“Well,” Neil began, not sure how to phrase what he wanted to say. “Well, as you probably know, he had really bad issues talking to other people. He gets really uncomfortable and doesn’t like talking. I’m his friend and I just really wanted to know if there’s anything you could do to help him. If not that’s okay, I don’t know, maybe just, like, it would be better if he didn’t have to share in front of the whole class.”

Mr. Keating looked deep in thought. “I know exactly what you mean and I want to help him, but I also think that part of helping him is allowing him to confront the issue in a safe space. Do you know what I mean?” Neil nodded. “I think that this assignment will actually help him, but I promise that if he seems too worried about doing it or really doesn’t want to share. I won’t force him to. Thank you for coming to me with your thoughts, though. I always want my students to feel comfortable in my classroom, and I’m glad you care about your friend.”

“Thank you so much and I’m really glad he’s in your class. Any other teacher would probably just get angry when he didn’t speak up and take points off of his grade.” Neil said gratefully.

“I’m glad I can be here.” Mr. Keating’s voice was filled with passion as he said this and Neil could tell that he really did care about his students and about being at this school. 

“I’ll see you on Monday, then!” Neil said, waving as he walked out of the classroom.

“Monday, it is.” Mr. Keating smiled and closed the door behind Neil as he walked into the hallway. 

\--

It was chilly out, seeing as it was already almost the middle of November, but the sun was still shining brightly as Neil walked out to his soccer practice. Every student at the school was forced to participate in at least one sports team to get their credit for physical education and Neil had been very glad when he had been chosen to join the soccer team. It was the one sport he even vaguely had an appreciation for. He liked running around and being competitive and his team wasn’t even too bad. Well, it wasn’t too bad in terms of the quality of the people on it. The quality of their playing was extremely bad, but what could you expect from the students of a private boarding school in Vermont. The only sports anyone was good at were lacrosse and rowing.

Thinking of rowing, Neil glanced down at the lake that lay on the school grounds where the rowing team also practiced on Friday afternoons. He could vaguely make out the shapes of Charlie and Cameron pushing the oars of their shell as fast as they could while Mr. Nolan sat at the bow yelling orders at them. 

Neil joined the soccer team on the makeshift field that cut across most of the campus. They didn’t have good facilities for any of their athletic teams. Somehow even with the huge sums of money the school was paid by each of its students every year, they still didn’t have enough to pay for good athletic equipment. 

Neil went through the warmups with his team half distracted thinking about the poetry assignment and the Shakespeare that Mr. Keating had read today.

At one point his teammate, Harry Scott tapped him on the shoulder and whispered, “We’re not meant to be bouncing the ball anymore, we’ve already started running drills,” and cause Neil to jump in surprise and then proceed to run back and forth across the field hurriedly trying to avoid attention from the coach, who he vastly hoped hadn’t noticed Neil’s mistake. 

After they finally finished drills, the team divided into two groups and started playing a mock match. At that moment, a loud sound started blaring out of the west tower of the school building. It was a song and one that Neil recognized. He looked up to the tower and saw the figures of two boys dancing together. One was tall and very lanky and the other was short with curly hair. When Neil saw a radio spike sticking up between them, his suspicions were immediately confirmed. Pitts and Meeks had finally managed to get their radio working. 

They were going to get in trouble for this, Neil knew. As he saw teachers start to run towards the tower, Neil desperately hoped Pitts and Meeks had been smart enough to put up some barrier so that the music could play for longer and they would be able to escape. 

The soccer coach, whose face was red with anger and confusion motioned to the boys to keep playing despite the interruption. So, Neil let the driving beat of the song wash over him as he continued to push his way past his teammates and try to drive the soccer ball into the opposite goal.

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide  
Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride  
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again  
Do, don't you want me to love you  
I'm coming down fast but I'm miles above you  
Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on tell me the answer  
Well, you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer  
\--

Neil squeezed the towel over his hair, trying to get out as much of the water as he could. The locker room was extremely humid and the mirrors and windows were completely fogged up. Neil threw his cleats and shinguards into his locker and his uniform and socks into his bag to be put into the wash and then threw on his clothes.  
Over the weekend and in the afternoons, Welton students didn’t have to wear uniforms, so Neil just put on a big green sweater and a pair of khaki pants. He threw everything else into his bag, gathered his shower supplies and then began to walk back up to his dorm. As he walked through the entrance hallway of the school on the way to the stairs, he passed the notice board that listed all the possible opportunities for Welton students. There was rarely anything on it that interested Neil, but today as he was passing by and glanced at it, a flyer caught his eye. 

It read “Henley Hall Presents: A Midsummer Night's Dream” and in small letters at the bottom “*open auditions.” 

Even on any day before today, Neil might have dismissed this without a second though, but today the circumstances happened to be just right. He had just been reintroduced to Shakespeare and found him extremely interesting, and he had also remembered today how much he had loved acting, even when he had just been doing it with his friends. His brain was running fast. The auditions were open, all he needed to do was show up and try out. Chances were he wasn’t even going to get in, but finally, he felt like he could do at least something for himself. It would give him just a chance which was more than he had ever had before.

He grabbed the flyer and ran up to his room, desperate to find someone he could tell about this. When he burst open the door of his dorm to find only Todd sitting quietly on his own bed, Neil was half disappointed. He hadn’t meant to talk to Todd about this, but he also realized that really, Todd was exactly the person he wanted to talk to.  
“I found it,” Neil said loudly, causing Todd to look up suddenly from the paper he was holding.

“You found what?” Todd asked, obviously very confused.

Neil went up right next to Todd’s bed, leaned over where his friend was working, and threw down the flyer that he had taken off of the bulletin board. “What I really wanna do, right now. What really, really inside of me!”

Todd glanced down at the paper he was now holding and his eyes scanned it quickly. “Midsummer Night's Dream?”

“This is it!” Neil said enthusiastically.

“And what is this?” Todd asked, still confused.

“It’s a play dummy.” Neil said, laughing.

“Well, I know that, but I- wh-wh-what does it have to do with you?”

“Oh, well, they’re putting it on at Henley Hall, and it's open tryouts. Open tryouts!”

“Yes, so?”

“Soo, I’m gonna act!” Neil was very excited now. His plan was finally solidifying in his mind, and he needed someone to understand. “Yes, yes! I'm gonna be an actor! Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to try this. I even tried to go to summer stock auditions last year, but, of course, my father wouldn't let me. For the first time in my whole life I know what I wanna do, and for the first time I'm gonna do it whether my father wants me to or not! Carpe diem!” 

He was almost yelling at the end of this speech and his heart was nearly bursting from his mouth. He desperately wanted Todd to understand how he felt and to support him in what he wanted. No one ever really had before, and for some reason, Todd’s support meant so much to him, much more that it should.  
“Neil, Neil. Hold on a minute. How are you going to be in a play if your father won’t let you?”

Neil groaned, he should have expected this response. “First, I gotta get the part. Then I can worry about that.”

At this point, Todd looked more concerned than confused. Neil decided to take that as a good sign. “Yeah, but won’t he kill you if he finds out you went to the audition and didn’t tell him?”

“No, no, no, no. As far as I’m planning, he’s not gonna know about any of this.” 

“Well that’s impossible.”

“Bullshit!” Neil yelled. “Nothings impossible.” Despite what he was saying and what he desperately wanted to believe, Neil knew that Todd was probably right, but he wanted, just for a moment, to believe that he could actually do what he wanted.

“Well,” Todd started. “Why don’t you just call and ask him? M-m-maybe he’ll say yes if you just ask?” Todd sounded really hopeful and Neil wished what he was suggesting could possibly happen.

“That’s a laugh. You know what my dad’s like and I’m sure your parents are the same way. At least if I don’t ask him, I won’t be disobeying him.”

“But what if he said-” 

Neil cut Todd off before he could continue. This conversation was not going how he had expected. Well, it was going how he expected, but not how he had hoped. Of course Todd was trying to be the voice of reason. Neil knew he was trying to help, but he couldn’t stop the anger from bubbling inside him. He would never, ever, be able to do anything he wanted in life if he asked his father’s permission. The man who had raised him seemed hell-bent on making sure Neil didn’t do anything that he would possibly enjoy, and for once, Neil decided that he was going to do something. He didn’t care anymore what his father said.

“Jesus, Todd. Who’s side are you on? I mean I haven’t even gotten the part, can I at least enjoy the idea for a little while?” Neil burst out, then immediately regretted it as soon as he saw the hurt look on Todd’s face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just really want to do this, and I don’t give a shit about what my father has to say.”  
“I’m sorry I pushed you,” Todd said.

“No you are probably right, but I just want to ignore the facts for a while.” Neil said. Todd nodded as if he understood. “Are you coming to the meeting tonight?” Neil asked. 

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Todd looked extremely unsure about his answer, and Neil was worried that maybe Todd hadn’t felt comfortable at the last meeting.

“Nothing Mr. Keating says means shit to you, does it Todd?” Neil asked. He knew that Todd had issues with social anxiety, but he really didn’t want those issues to stop Todd from actually living.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Todd was obviously upset, but Neil was going to stick to what he believed. He really wanted to help Todd, and he truly believed that this was the best way to do it. Todd needed to understand that people did care about him and wanted him to be there and be friends with them. He wasn’t alone.

“You’re in the club. Being in the club means being stirred up by things, and right now, you look about as stirred up as a cesspool.”

“I could stir up a cesspool,” Todd said under his breath. 

“Hush, you know what I meant.” Neil groaned.

“S-- you want me out?” 

“No! No, I want you in. But being in means you gotta do something, not just say you’re in.” Neil explained. 

Todd looked like he was considering this, but then as his facial expression resolved, he said, “Well, listen, Neil I-I appreciate this concern, but I-I’m not like you. All right? You-you say things and people listen. I’m, I’m not like that.”

“Don’t you think you could be though?” Neil already knew how Todd was going to answer this, but he knew the real answer. Todd could absolutely be like that, he just needed people to show him how and to help him get there.

“No.” Neil looked at him and smirked, that was exactly the answer he had expected. Todd looked very flustered. “I--I. I don’t know! But that’s not the point. The, the, the point is that there’s nothing you can do about it, so you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine, all right!”

Neil was not going to let that pass. Absolutely not. He was going to help Todd no matter how much pushing it took. Todd was so smart, and had such an amazing personality and Neil knew that if he just showed other people what Todd was really like, he would never be questioned again.

Neil smiled. “No.”

“What do you mean, no?”

Neil couldn’t help it as his face twisted into a wide grin. He grabbed the piece of paper Todd had been working on when he had walked into the room. 

“No!”

“Hey, give that back. Neil, give it back” Todd hadn’t gotten up from his bed, but he was reaching for the paper Neil had stolen. 

Neil glanced up at the paper he was now holding in his hands as far away from Todd as possible. “We are dreaming of a…” He began reading what was obviously the draft of Neil’s poetry for Mr. Keating’s class. At this point Todd stood up and started chasing Neil around the dorm, grabbing at his sweater and arm and trying to get that paper back while Neil frantically tried to keep reading what Todd had written on the paper. He could tell, even just from the first few lines that it was really good.  
“I’m being chased by a Walt Whitman,” Neil yelled as Todd made a very close swipe at the notebook. Todd yelled and threw himself on top of Neil who was flattened onto his bed with Todd lying directly across him. Neil shoved his face into his pillow and smothered his laugh. He quickly stuck the notebook underneath his chest so that Todd wouldn’t be able to get it, even though he couldn’t move.

“Neil, I swear to God, if you don’t give me the notebook back right now.”

“What are you gonna do to me?” Neil teased him.

Todd leaned down against Neil, and whispered into his left ear. “Unspeakable things.”

Neil burst out laughing. He had not ever expected to hear something like that coming from Todd’s mouth, especially not while he was lying directly on top of him. Neil felt really annoyingly comfortable in the position they were in, and decided that Todd’s threat was enough, handing back the notebook with a sigh. “Okay, okay, you can have it back. I did already read the whole thing, though, and it was amazing.”

Todd smiled and got up off of Neil, who noticed him pull his pants slightly before turning back to his bed. 

At that exact moment, Cameron walked into the room holding his physics textbook. Neil jumped up out of his bed and grabbed the textbook from Cameron's hands and dashed to the other side of the room. Cameron became upset and did the same thing as Todd had done first chasing Neil around the room and yelling: “What are you guys doing? I'm sure-- You see this chemistry- Hey, give me-- Neil, give me-- Don't be immature. Come on. I need my-” as Neil just kept avoiding him and laughing.  
Charlie heard the commotion and dashed into the room. “Give it to me! Give it to me!” he called, and Neil threw him the textbook. There was a mad dash around the room as Charlie leaped up onto the bed and Cameron jumped across the gap between the beds trying to catch him, but Charlie was too fast and he ran out into the hallway before Cameron could catch him. Neil heard the sounds of loud running footsteps and yelling in the hallway, but decided that he had had enough chasing people around for the day, and threw himself down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“I know you want to help me,” Todd began speaking and Neil turned his head to look at him. “I just really don’t think I can be helped. I’ve always had these expectations on me because my brother was a perfect son and a perfect student and when I started having trouble with social interactions and not getting as good grades as him, my parents kind of just started ignoring me. I’ve always been like this, it’s just gotten worse as time went on.”

Neil nodded, thinking about what Todd had said. “I know you believe that. But I promise that there is more to you than your brother and more to you than your parents expectations. There’s nothing wrong with being shy, or having social anxiety, but I just want you to remember that it doesn’t stop the people who actually care about you from caring, and it doesn’t stop you from being an amazing person.”

Neil really really hoped he had said the right thing, and as he saw a small smile creeping onto Todd’s face, he was pretty sure he had.

Todd looked at Neil. “Do you care about me, and be serious. I’ve only known you for a few months.”

Neil thought for a second, even though he knew there really wasn’t anything to think about. He cared about Todd no matter how hard his mind was telling him not to. “I do care about you Todd, I really do, and I want you to be happy.”

Todd smiled and then turned his head to face the wall opposite Neil. Before he went completely silent, Neil heard Todd whisper, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> four things:  
> 1\. please please please leave comment and kudos. i really appreciate hearing from you guys and it inspires me to write a lot faster if i know that i have an audience that's enjoying what i'm writing. thank you so much for all your support so far!  
> 2\. the song lyrics were from the song 'Helter Skelter' which is originally by the Beatles, but i actually was inspired by the cover of it by U2, so i would absolutely go listen to that :)  
> 3\. a little life update- recently i've been really stressed about school work and been super tired, but writing this has been a great escape. also, i recently was almost forced into the dreamsmp fandom by one of my best friend's so i wrote this entire chapter watching alternately tubbo's and nihachu's streams. if anyone here is a fan of mcyt, please comment. i really want people to talk to about it.  
> 4\. i'm going to say the next chapter should be out by 2.3.21, although it might be a bit shorter than this one !


	11. what if i'm worthless?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without notice, Neil’s mind immediately flew to Todd. Todd, who he had sworn never to care about, who he had promised himself he wouldn’t fall in love with, who he had tried his hardest to avoid, who he had been drawn back to over and over again like the universe was telling them to stick together. Neil knew that if he followed his father’s wishes, it would mean losing Todd forever.
> 
> Not that it should matter to him.
> 
> But it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you to my wonderful friend @glassferns for editing when I was too tired to do so. this chapter would not have gotten out on time without her, so please check out her work !
> 
> Second, fair warning: this chapter is a sad one
> 
> tw // depression, self-harm, anxiety, panic attacks, child abuse
> 
> I want you all to take care of yourselves, please don't read unless you are completely sure you're going to be okay because this is some heavy content. 
> 
> summary of the chapter for those who don't feel comfortable reading- Neil recieves a letter from his father telling him to bring his grades up and that there is a girl who he thinks Neil should meet and possibly end up with. Neil gets extremely upset and panics. He's unable to think, but at the end of the chapter, someone comes into the room and calms him down, then lies down next to him when he falls asleep.

Neil looked down at the address on the letter he’d received that morning. Mail was delivered to the students every day, but Neil’s mother had already written to him recently, so why..?

Neil turned the envelope over to look at the sender’s name, and his blood ran cold. Neil only ever received mail from his mother during the school year, and he always gladly responded to it. They loved each other after all, even if the overbearingness of his father made it harder to show. 

However, the letter in his hands bore the return address of “Thomas Perry” on a little sticker. His father hadn’t even bothered to handwrite it, it seemed. Neil’s hands shook as he opened the letter. Receiving a letter from his father like this in the middle of the school year could only mean one of two things; either he’d found yet another extracurricular activity that would “look good on his transcripts,” or Neil had managed to mess up yet another thing without even noticing. He seemed to be doing that a lot, lately. Mr. Perry liked to be kept very informed about his son’s life, and had even asked Mr. Nolan to keep personal tabs on him. Neil had seen the letter on his principal’s desk one day for a consultation, with “Mr. Thomas perry” written in neat ink on the front. It had made his stomach churn. 

Neil’s mind raced through all the misdemeanors he could have possibly committed that year; surely it wasn’t about grades. The worst grade he had gotten this year was an 89 on an AP Biology test, and everyone knew that was the hardest science class that the school offered. A brief moment of panic flashed across Neil’s mind as he wondered if he'd been spotted sneaking out for one of the Dead Poet’s Society meetings. They had had three meetings at this point, although the weather was getting colder and the early December wind made sitting in the drafty cave hardly enjoyable. Charlie insisted they keep the meetings going though, and his only explanation when Meeks and Pitts had protested had been to yell “Dead Poets honor!” and whoop loudly. The panic about this passed quickly though, when Neil realized they would have spoken to him first if this was the case and he would be receiving far more than a letter. Mr. Perry himself would have surely shown up at the school in all his pomp and class and Neil probably would have been expelled. He couldn’t let that happen. 

The not knowing what could possibly be in the letter somehow made it worse. It meant that whatever he read was going to be something that his father had schemed up all on his own, and was therefore going to be extremely evil. Probably some sort of medieval torture-- Neil laughed to himself at this, even as his palms began to sweat. After staring at the letter in his hand for several more moments and considering simply ripping it up and throwing the pieces in the communal fire, Neil decided he had stalled long enough and opened the letter. 

Dear Neil,  
I hope that this letter finds you in good health. I am writing today to address the issue that has come up with your grades - I am sure you know what I am talking about here - and with the possible match that your mother and I have found for you.   
I received your first report card of the year and it seems to me that your grades in both science and in math have slipped since last year. Where I saw ninety-eights’s previously, what is written on the paper in front of me now is ninety-five’s and as we have discussed so many times, this is simply not acceptable. As I pay for your tuition, I expect you to get the best grades possible and do your very best at the school. You are going to become a doctor and you are going to get into Harvard for the pre-med program, which I am sure you know is the best in the country. If I do not see improvement by the time your next report comes to me, I am afraid I will have to do as we discussed. While you may already know what I am speaking about, I will reiterate for you just to make it more clear. You will be sent to a military training camp. Ten months of hard grueling labor, and if at the end of it your attitude to the gifts and education that have been given to you has not changed, you will be shipped overseas for as long as necessary.  
Now that that matter has been discussed and you adequately understand what is at stake here, there is a much more exciting matter which your mother and I would like to discuss with you. The Atwood’s are a very important family in the scheme of things, and I am sure you remember their daughter, Becky, who you used to play with when you were younger. We, that is your mother and I as well as her parents, think it would be a very good idea for the two of you to get to know each other better. Her parents may not tell her this, but I think that as a boy who is very nearly an adult, you must understand that marriage is a very important part of life, and it would be very providential for you to choose your wife wisely. We think that Becky Atwood would be a great benefit to both you and to the family. During the Christmas break, we will be dining with them several times, and I hope to see the two of you grow closer.   
Once again, I pray that you are doing well, and wish to not take your time for much longer as you must need to return to your studies.  
Sincerely,  
Thomas Perry

Neil finished reading and had to stop himself from ripping the letter into tiny pieces as pure rage coursing through his hands. He had received a few grades below ninety in two of his classes, it had brought his average down two points. They weren’t even, as his father had said, ninety-five’s.

He had a ninety-six in biology and a ninety-seven in calculus. How could this possibly warrant a letter from his father telling him to bring the grades up? He still had one of the highest averages in the school, in the top ten, if not the top five. He was almost guaranteed a spot at any of the top colleges in the country, but apparently, it wasn’t even enough for his father. It couldn’t be. Nothing was ever enough, no matter how hard he tried. He would have given up even trying by now, if not for the threats he had now received a second time. He had believed his father would send him into the military the first time it was said, but now there was no doubt in his mind that it would happen if he wasn’t careful. 

And then there was the issue of Becky Atwood. To someone else, the letter may have seemed innocent, kind even, presenting the idea of a girl who he might possibly like, but Neil had learned to read the undertones of his father’s writing and he understood that his marriage to this girl was not an option, it was going to happen whether he wanted to or not, and his father would try his hardest to get them married before Neil was out of college and under his own jurisdiction. Neil was sure that his mother had had no part in this, or if she had, her role had been played sitting in the pink armchair of their living room while his father and Mr. Atwood had smiled and shook hands stiffly, trying to pretend they weren’t signing both of their children’s lives away.

Without notice, Neil’s mind immediately flew to Todd. Todd, who he had sworn never to care about, who he had promised himself he wouldn’t fall in love with, who he had tried his hardest to avoid, who he had been drawn back to over and over again like the universe was telling them to stick together. Neil knew that if he followed his father’s wishes, it would mean losing Todd forever.

Not that it should matter to him.

But it did.

No matter how many times he denied it, he knew he wanted to be with Todd, and not just with Todd as a friend. He wanted to kiss him and hold him and be there for him and love him. He already did in a way. Mr. Perry wasn’t going to let that happen, and there was nothing Neil could do to stop Mr. Perry.

And of course, there was the way his father had signed the letter. Not “Love, Dad,” or “From, Dad,” or even “From, Father.” No, it read “Sincerely, Thomas Perry,” as if he were just finishing off a business transaction that had ended very well for him and cheated the other member of that transaction out of a very large sum of money. He knew his dad didn’t care about him, but it still stung when he read the words written plainly on paper, words that had been meant for him.

As Neil reread the letter he could feel his heart start to race and his breathing start to intensify. Nothing his father was saying made any sense, yet he knew that it was all going to happen, his father would stop at nothing to get what he wanted even if it meant hurting his own son. He had done that plenty of times before, there was nothing stopping him now.   
There had been one time, about eight years ago, when Neil had been nine, that he had tried to stand up to his father, and although Neil had blocked most of the occurrence from his mind, he could his father’s face staring down at him, his eyes murderous and his hands around Neil’s throat. As Neil remembered this, suddenly the entire scene came flooding back to him.

\--

“ I want you to stop playing with those boys down the block,” Mr. Perry said as Neil dashed in the house, Charlie on his right hand, and a baseball bat in his left. Neil looked up, confused.

“What’s wrong with them?” he asked. It seemed to him that they were perfectly nice boys, they hadn’t done anything wrong and they were fun to play with.

“They’re not,” Mr. Perry paused, considering his words, “our type of boys. It would do you better to stay away from them, and if I do see you with them again, there will be a punishment.”

Neil knew what that meant, he was going to get hit with the belt that his father kept specially for when Neil disobeyed him and needed to be “taught a lesson.” Neil rarely risked that, so he grabbed Charlie’s hand and led him away from Mr. Perry and into his room. 

“Are you really just going to let him tell you what to do like that?” Charlie said once Neil had closed the door behind them.

“Well, it’s not like you would do any different!” Neil said defensively. He knew that Charlie’s father beat him often. There were bruises and scars up and down his arms every time Neil saw him. It often seemed like Charlie tried to get Neil to do things and acted out often when he was away from his father to put up a cover for what he went through at home and what he actually felt. Neil played along sometimes and tried to stop him at others, but it was hard. He was only in fourth grade and Charlie was a year older than him.

“I just think that if you told him what they were actually like he would listen to you.” Charlie explained. Neil considered. It was possible that if he asked kindly his father would listen, and there wasn’t anyone else in the neighborhood to play with so it might be worth a try. His father couldn’t possibly get that mad at him just for asking.

Neil nodded. “Fine, I’ll ask him but you have to come with me and support me if he gets mad.”

Charlie nodded in agreement and then he and Neil ran down the stairs.

“Dad!” Neil yelled searching through the house. He heard noise in the study and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” he heard his father’s voice say. Neil tentatively opened the door and stepped inside. His father sighed deeply and looked at him with annoyance in his eyes. “What do you want, Neil?” he asked.

Neil almost dashed out of the room at that moment, but he felt Charlie’s arm around his shoulders and decided that if he didn’t stand up for himself now, he would never be able to. “Dad,” he said, “I want you to let me play with the boys down the block” He could see that his father was about to interrupt, so he kept talking. “They haven’t done anything to you and they’re perfectly nice people. Besides, there are no other boys to play with and Charlie and I can’t play by ourselves.” Out of the corner of his eye, Neil saw Charlie nod in agreement. “It’s not fair of you to limit who I play with, especially when it’s my life, and I enjoy playing with those boys.”

As soon as the words “It’s my life,” left Neil’s mouth, he saw his father’s eyebrows furrow and his chin start to quiver. Neil immediately regretted having said anything and he could feel Charlie’s grip slipping off his shoulder. 

“It is not,” Mr. Perry said, his mouth nearly frothing and spit coming out, “your life until I stop paying for you and stop housing you under my roof. You do not, and I repeat, do not talk back to me or question my orders ever again.” Mr. Perry stepped closer to Neil and put his hand against Neil’s throat nearly cutting off his airflow. He looked out of his mind, like he didn’t have any idea what he was doing, but Neil knew that he was being completely and utterly serious. He wouldn’t hesitate to hurt Neil or anyone in the room, for that matter. Neil motioned with his hand behind his back towards Charlie trying to tell him to get out of the room. He was glad when Charlie finally understood and backed up slowly and left the room. 

“Do you understand what I am saying?” Mr. Perry said, his voice low and dark.

Neil nodded hurriedly, his chin hitting his father’s hand. “I need to hear you say it.”

“Yes, of course father,” Neil gasped out. Mr. Perry released him and Neil stumbled back and dashed out of the room and into Charlie’s waiting arms.

\--

As Neil came back to reality he found suddenly that he could hardly breathe. There were tears streaming down his face. He hadn’t even noticed when he started crying. Maybe what his father said to him was true. If he just listened to what his father said maybe everything would be easier. It would also make everything easier if he just gave up on trying for the play, he wasn’t going to get in anyways so was it really worth risking his father’s wrath just to do something he wanted. He wasn’t worth it. 

Neil grabbed his head and sat down on his bed. No, no, no. He wasn’t going to let this happen. His heart was racing and his chest was heaving. He shouldn’t do this right now, he had no reason to. It was his fault his dad had sent him the letter anyways. Why was he doing this right now? He had no reason to. 

His breathing intensified and all ability to think cohesively escaped from him. The only thoughts running through his mind were blaming him for everything, for what his father had said to him, for his inability to stop himself from panicking, for his bad mental state, for not being there for his friends, for not helping people, for not getting above a 90 on his science test, for for all of those times years ago that he had made his mother upset or his father angry, for breaking up with his previous girlfriend - he probably made her feel awful. The list was endless and as he collapsed onto his bed with his chest heaving and tears streaming out of his eyes, he thought of every possible thing he had done to disappoint himself. And it was a very long list. 

He stood up from his bed and stumbled towards his dresser, sloppily opening it up and pulling out his toiletry kit. He hadn’t done this, any of it, the panic attack, hurting himself since the summer. It was always worse when he was around his dad. Coming back to school had helped for a time, but there was no reason to stop himself now. He couldn’t help it as he pulled the razor across his wrist, feeling extremely guilty. His tears were streaming faster down his face and blending with the blood that was now running down his arm.

He shouldn't have done that. He had no reason to be this upset. He was just overthinking everything, like he always did. He blamed himself for everything, especially for the way he was and the way his mind worked, but he couldn’t help it as he jerkily cut the other wrist and threw himself onto his bed, not caring if blood stained the white sheets. The school could think he had gotten his period for all he cared.

As he lay curled up on his bed in a fetal position, unable to think, he heard, in the background of his rush of thoughts, the door open. After a moment, he felt a weight crush the bed next to him and then an arm around his shoulders. He began to hear a stream of words and although he couldn’t comprehend what was being said and he didn’t know who was talking to him, they were comforting. After several minutes, he found his eyes drifting closed. He could still feel the arm around his shoulder and a body pressed up close against his. He wanted to get up, to see who was lying down next to him, but his eyes didn’t want to open and he couldn’t stop himself as he drifted into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, I tried to write this chapter which I already knew was going to be hard to write while alternately listening to One Direction, watching Tales of the SMP, and then watching Quackity's Jackbox stream, so unfortunately, this chapter is half the length of my previous one and really not that well written. I apologize for that.  
> Still, please leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed reading. I really do love hearing from you guys :)


	12. they'll never kill the thrills we've got

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie’s eyes widened. “Is that what I think it is?”
> 
> Knox nodded, a wide grin creeping onto his face. “Are you going to let us in on the secret or should we just guess every door in the castle until we land on the right one?” Neil asked.
> 
> “Well boys, what I have here is the key to the party of a lifetime.”
> 
> Neil thought for a moment trying to think what door could possibly lead to the party of a lifetime. Surely not one of the teachers offices. Those just led to mothballs and dusty textbooks. “Sorry mate, but you're going to have to be a bit more specific than that.” He hung his lip, pretending to pout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter did take twice as long as the past few to get out, but it's my favorite chapter so far, so i wanted to give it some extra time. hope u guys enjoy!

“Are you okay? We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I just need to know that you’re going to be okay for the rest of the day.”

Neil nodded gratefully. “I’ll be fine. I’m really sorry. That hasn’t happened in a long time and I didn’t mean to make you a part of it.”

“Neil,” Todd said, “if you need someone to be there for you, I want to be a part of it. Please don’t try to deal with these things alone. You can talk to me.”

Neil looked sheepish. “I know, I just hate feeling like I'm a burden on the people around me.”

“Trust me, I know what that feels like. I’m the second best child in my family, but I promise you, telling a friend when you need help - that’s not being a burden.”

“It’s not going to happen again, but if it does, I’ll let you know.” Neil half-laughed while saying this, but he knew that it probably was going to happen again. His father’s words were still echoing in his mind and it would be a very long time before he got them out.

Todd looked at Neil skeptically. “I’m going to be checking up on you.” Neil was about to protest before Todd cut over him, “and no I don’t care what you’re going to say. I am checking on you.”

Neil groaned and threw himself on his bed. “Fine, fine.”

“I’m going to go down to get some breakfast, and then I’m probably gonna go outside and do some homework, do you want to come with?”

Neil considered for a moment, and then had an extremely sudden, very shocking realization. The auditions for the play were today. He had been practicing for hours and hours perfecting his intonation and memorization. He couldn’t believe he had almost forgotten about his audition. He jumped out of bed. “No, so sorry, but I just realized I have an audition today that I’m going to be late to.”

Todd looked surprised. “You were serious about that?”

“Of course I was serious, now can you pass me my sweater from the window?”

Tod spun around, his head whipping over his shoulder, grabbed the sweater and threw it to Neil. “What’s the big rush? It’s only ten and the auditions aren’t until noon.”

“I told Mr. Keating I would meet up with him to review before Mr. Nolan has to drive me to the hall. I’m thirty minutes late for that.”

Todd’s eyes widened in understanding and he opened the door for Neil, who grabbed his coat and dashed out of the room with a quick wave to Todd. 

As he dashed down the stairs to Mr. Keating’s classroom, he could feel the effects of last night washing over him. He was very lucky Todd had been there, without the knee in his back as Todd had been trying to get out of Neil’s bed surreptitiously that morning, he probably wouldn’t have woken up until noon, or later. 

He knocked on the door rapidly, taking deep breaths and trying not to look too flustered as Mr. Keating opened the door. 

“Come in,” Mr. Keating said, greeting him with a smile on his face.

Neil stepped inside. “So sorry I’m late. I had a few complications and completely forgot to set my alarm last night.”

“That’s quite all right. It gave me more time to review the text and think about what we should do to review.” Mr. Keating motioned to the seat on the opposite side of his desk and Neil sat down. “Now, which role are you trying out for?”

Neil had thought about this a lot. He had originally wanted to try for one of the smaller parts, but when he had re-read the script, he had decided that if he was going to do this, he needed to try out for the part he most wanted, even if there was less of a chance that he would actually get it. It was better to shoot as high as he could and possibly get and possibly fall slightly short than to fall far short because he had been too scared to go for it. “I’m going out for Puck.”

Mr. Keating nodded looking down at the very beat up book lying on his desk. “Which scene are you going to use for the audition.” 

Neil had also spent a very long time reading over every possible monologue he could use, and had finally decided that he would choose one less known and hopefully, less used by the other boys who were auditioning. “I’m doing one from act five. I can’t tell you the exact page it on, but-” At this, he took Mr. Keating’s book and flipped through the pages rapidly until he found the one he was looking for. “Here,” he said, handing the book back to his teacher. Mr. Keating looked at it, his eyes skimming quickly over the page. 

“I approve of this choice. Not overused, but still,” he paused, searching for the right phrase to use, “engaging in character.” Mr. Keating chuckled, realizing that what had just come out of his mouth had definitely not been exactly what he had hoped for, but unfortunately it would have to serve.

“Should I just say it, or?” Neil asked.

“You can start whenever you’re ready.”

Neil took a deep breath, preparing to start reciting, when there was an interruption. “Sorry, sorry!” Mr. Keating said. “We can’t have you reciting Mr. Shakespeare himself while sitting in a dinky old chair. Come, come.” He started shoving things out of the way on his desk and several papers flew out of their neatly organized piles and onto the floor. Neil bent to pick them up, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. “We don’t have time for such trivial things as cleaning up. Now go - up onto your stage. It will have to serve for now.”

Neil gave him a quizzical look, but realized his complete seriousness and immediately climbed onto the desk. He felt odd, standing there on the desk with no one else in the classroom. There was a moment of panic in his mind. What if someone walked in and saw him standing there and asked what he was doing? And what if they told his father? But, no, no. He couldn’t be thinking things like that today. Everything was going to be fine, he just needed to stay concentrated. Mr. Keating was sitting at a desk at the back of the classroom, looking expectantly up at Neil. He looked happy and almost, Neil hesitated to say it, proud. He took a deep breath and focused on Mr. Keating’s face, something he knew would bring him a sense of calm, and began to recite. 

“Now the hungry lion roars,  
And the wolf behowls the moon;  
Whilst the heavy ploughman snores,  
All with weary task fordone.  
Now the wasted brands do glow,  
Whilst the screech-owl, screeching loud,  
Puts the wretch that lies in woe  
In remembrance of a shroud.” 

Neil paused here, his mind racing as he tried to remember words that were on the tip of his tongue. He looked into Mr. Keating's eyes which were shining brightly with delight and realized that it didn’t even matter if he stuttered on some of the words, or even forgot whole lines because his teacher didn’t care and his friends didn’t care and, as he had told Todd the other night, no one who meant anything at all would care, they would still think he was great just the same. Just like that, the words came flowing back through his mind and his mouth. 

“Now it is the time of night  
That the graves all gaping wide,  
Every one lets forth his sprite,  
In the church-way paths to glide:  
And we fairies, that do run  
By the triple Hecate's team,  
From the presence of the sun,  
Following darkness like a dream,  
Now are frolic: not a mouse  
Shall disturb this hallow'd house:  
I am sent with broom before,  
To sweep the dust behind the door.”

Neil grinned and felt his chest heave as he took the first real breath in the past two minutes. That had gone well, much better than he had thought it would. He looked to Mr. Keating, about to ask for advice and realized that he had disappeared. Neil jumped off of the desk quickly and looked around in complete wonder, until he heard a noise from the back office. It was the sound of someone blowing their nose. 

He knocked on the door. “Mr. Keating, what happened?” He was extremely concerned. In the span of a few minutes where Neil had been completely lost in a trance, something so awful had happened that his normally quite stoic teacher had begun crying. 

The door opened suddenly and Neil jumped back. Mr. Keating walked out, his eyes rimmed red. “Would it be alright if I hugged you?” he asked. Neil considered for a moment and then nodded, although he really didn’t know what was happening.

Suddenly, he felt Mr. Keating’s arms wrap around his shoulders. Neil stiffened for a moment. The only person who had ever hugged him was his mother, and it was almost always after he had been yelled at by his father or been badly hurt. He wasn’t used to receiving physical affection, much less for a good reason. After a second though, he let himself sink into the hug. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed this feeling, of being held tightly and not having to think about what was happening outside of the small pocket of their embrace. 

Mr. Keating pulled away. “Neil,” he said, his voice full of emotion. “You told me that this was the first time you had ever tried acting right?” Neil nodded. “That was one of the most gorgeous things I have ever heard in my life.”

Neil was taken aback. Had he really just heard that. He had thought his monologue had been alright, good at best, but never in his life did he think that Mr. Keating would pay him such a high compliment and he began to grow bright red. “I-I thank you!” he stammered out.

Mr. Keating motioned for him to sit down, which he did, and waited as his teacher also settled himself into a desk. “I’ve had many students over the years. Many of them have been extremely intelligent and extremely passionate writers, artists, musicians. I’ve helped as many of them as I possibly could, offered my, and I don’t hesitate to say this, very limited expertise, and tried to set them on the paths they wanted to follow. It is very rare that many of them do end up keeping their dreams in life. They get weighed down by parents, wives, families, financial problems, and end up quitting long before they’ve reached their full potential. But there have been a few students in whom I could sense a true passion and a true talent, two things that are often hard to find together. And you, Neil, are one of them. You’ve never acted before, but when the words were coming out of your mouth all I could see and hear was Puck. There is no doubt in my mind that no matter what you do in life, you will be successful, but if you love acting, and I’m sure if you don’t see it now you will soon, then do it. Chase your dreams and keep trying and you will go very far.” 

Mr. Keating’s eyes were shining brightly and Neil could feel his heart swelling. His whole life, he had been told that he was going to be a doctor, that it was his only option. He had always been good, but not amazing at science and math and all he had ever heard from his father was “you can do better,” over and over again. But now, he was being told that he was truly good at something. Not just something, but the one thing that he had truly wanted to do his whole life. He didn’t know if he’d ever felt happier than he did at that moment. 

Mr. Keating looked at his watch. “It seems that it's time for you to meet Mr. Nolan. You may be nervous, but trust me you are going to get the part. If you recite that monologue even half as well as you’ve just done for me now, no one has any chance of beating you for it.” He grinned. 

Neil stood up and walked to the door, still completely in shock and unable to form a comprehensive sentence. “Thank you, thank you. I really really appreciate it,” was all he could say as he stepped out of the classroom. He knew that what Mr. Keating had said to him meant more than just a “thank you,” but he couldn’t put his thoughts into words, so he did the only thing that he could think to do to show how much he really did appreciate Mr. Keating’s advice, he reached in and hugged him. Without hesitation, Mr. Keating tightened his grip around him. He didn’t let go until Neil finally pulled away.

“Please come to my office if you ever need anything. And I mean anything. Don’t hesitate.” Mr. Keating said. Neil nodded gratefully and turned down the hall, hoping he wasn’t late enough that Mr. Nolan would chastise him. 

“Neil,” Mr. Nolan called, holding open the door to the passenger’s seat of the car that the teachers used to bring students off campus. Most of the kids here had rich parents and already owned extremely nice cars, but it was a school policy that students weren’t allowed to bring their own cars to school and instead they had to bike or get a teacher’s permission to go and be driven. 

Neil glanced at his watch and seeing that he was not late to his agreed meeting time with Mr. Nolan, he grinned. This meant there could be no possible cause for punishment for him. He climbed into the passenger seat of the car and buckled himself in as Mr. Nolan walked around and opened the driver’s door. “Are you ready,” Mr. Nolan asked after buckling himself in. Neil nodded and Mr. Nolan started up the engine. It was only about a ten minute drive from Wellton to Hensley Hall and most of it was spent in silence besides a few questions from Mr. Nolan, “How are you liking your teachers this year? Are your studies going well?” to which Neil replied as truthfully and respectfully as he could. 

The car pulled up to the front of the theatre and Neil jumped out of the car. He leaned into the door and thanked Mr. Nolan, telling him that he didn’t need to be picked up before slamming the door shut and running into the hall. He stopped abruptly as soon as he passed through the front entrance hall. There were far more people than he had ever expected there to be. Almost all of the seats were taken and there were several people of varying ages lining the walls as well as adults who were obviously there to support their younger children. He had known that the Valentine’s Day production was always a large one, but it hadn’t exactly occurred to him that there would be this much competition just for auditions. Then again, he had absolutely no experience in theatre, so how would he know anything about it.

Maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to try out for the obviously most competitive part in the play with such little experience. It was too late for doubt now and Neil pushed past groups of people to the front of the room where there was a table set up. A sign on it read “Sign Up” and Neil scanned the list of names already written down. He didn’t know anyone on it. There was one name he vaguely recognized: Ginny Danburry, she was the daughter of the people Knox had been forced to go to dinner with earlier that year. He grabbed one of the uncapped pens lying on the table and wrote down his info.

Name: Neil Perry  
Date: November 21st, 1989  
Auditioning For: Puck  
Contact Information: 200-978-5824

He figured the school's phone number was probably what they wanted and seeing as he didn’t have a personal phone or way to get contacted fast, it would have to do. He found his way to the back of the auditorium and took an empty seat. Before long, a woman who was much older and obviously coordinating the event stepped up onto the stage.

“Everyone, please quiet down,” she called at the top of her lungs. The room slowly got quieter and quieter and after about 45 seconds, the few people still talking suddenly got the cue and the whole room became silent. “We are going to start with auditions for smaller parts, so anyone trying out for the part of a nymph, sprite, or court fairy, please come up to the front of the room. People auditioning for main roles, please step back. Know that everyone is going to get their fair audition and that we will not take any bribery. There are no special privileges and only the very best will get the very best parts. The results will be out the Monday after Thanksgiving and please don’t be too upset if you don’t get the part you wanted. You can always try again next year.”

The auditions went slowly, and Neil began to understand how the process worked. About half of the people there were obviously being forced by their parents and half-heartedly presented their monologue. The judges interrupted these contestants a short way through their speeches, thanking them and absentmindedly waving them off of the stage. There were also, in each age group and auditioning for each role, several people who were obviously very talented and had been practicing very hard for this audition. These were the people who made Neil nervous. It was his first time ever even trying to act and some of his competitors obviously had much more experience, acting classes, plays at their schools. He could hardly hold a match to them and if he beat them, would it even be fair. They obviously cared more about this opportunity than him and they were probably going to be allowed to continue acting after this, unlike him. 

The crowds of people thinned out slowly until Neil was standing about two rows from the front of the stage. The auditions for the part of Bottom had just finished and the judges had just announced that the auditions for Puck were going to be held next and the people trying out would be called up in alphabetical order. Neil let out a sigh. At least that meant he was going to be relatively close to the end of the line, he would have a chance to measure himself up against his opponents before he had to go. 

Time seemed to speed by twice as fast as Neil got closer and closer to the stage. He could feel his heartbeat speeding up in anticipation, but Mr. Keating’s words echoed in his brain. He knew this was what he wanted, he was going to try his best no matter how worried or scared he was. The women who were calling auditionees up had just gotten to the P’s and Neil knew he was up very soon. He ran over the script in his mind a few more times before he heard his name “Neil Perry.” He looked up quickly and began to ascend the steps onto the stage. 

He stood up straight in the middle of the stage, the theatre lights shining brightly into his eyes. He was glad he hadn’t auditioned for an earlier role. Having such a large audience would have made him nervous, but now there were only about 20 people standing in the seating portion of the room and he could feel his nerves lessen as he got used to the environment. 

“You are Neil Perry and you’re auditioning for the role of Puck, correct?” 

“Yes, that’s right.” Neil said.

“You may begin whenever you feel comfortable. Just tell us what you’re reciting and you’re good to go.”

“I’m reciting Puck’s monologue from Act 5, directly after he speaks to Titania.”

The judges all made small notes in their books and then looked back up at him, expectant. Neil took a deep breath, and began. 

He completely lost himself in the monologue. He came out of it breathless, happy, and unable to remember whether or not he had said a single word correctly, but truly hoping he had. The judges eyes were bright and they smiled at him. 

“You can grab your things and get going. We’ll have the results of the auditions out the Monday after Thanksgiving.”

Neil nodded respectfully and retreated down the steps and to the back of the theatre. He grabbed his coat and scarf and walked outside. The sky was grey. It looked like rain, or possibly snow. Neil would embrace either one gladly. He honestly preferred when the weather was dreary, it made everything else in life seem much more exciting somehow. The school was only about a 25 minute walk away and he figured that a moment to relax and give his mind some space would be good, especially since he knew tonight was going to be a very active evening with the study group that had been set up. He knew he needed to study, especially considering the letter he had received from his father yesterday, not that he wanted to think about that. However, studying with Charlie, Knox, Meeks, and Pitts was very rarely affected. 

Neil laughed at the thought and then let his mind wander as he walked through the chill towards the large building looming up into the dark sky far ahead of him.

\--

The fire in the common room roared up throwing a warm glare onto the table Neil was sitting at with his books scattered across the table in front of him. 

“Hey, Neil,” Charlie said, throwing his books and himself down onto the seat next to Neil. 

“You’re late.”

“Well, what did you expect, I’m me.”

Neil pursed his lips and shook his head jokingly. “You, I understand, but Meeks and Pitts, not so much. They’re usually at these study groups thirty minutes before we’ve even set them to begin.”

At that moment, both Meeks and Pitts sauntered into the room on each other's arms laughing loudly. “On that note,” Neil said, motioning towards them. They slowly made their way over to the table, stumbling the whole way and Neil had a bad feeling that they had made a few poor decisions during the day. The two of them both slid into the bench opposite from Neil and Charlie.

“Did you two get drunk and not invite me?” Charlie placed his hand over his heart in fake insult. “How could you?”

“Well,” Meeks said, obviously trying very hard not to slur his words. “We would have invited you but we-”

Pitts cut him off. “No, no, you can’t tell him that.” He was obviously the slightly more sober of the pair.

Meeks looked confused for a moment and then nodded in realization. “Sorry, I forgot about that.” Neil didn’t know what was happening and was slightly insulted that something was being kept from him, but he wasn’t going to push. 

“Are we ready to get started then? Knox told me earlier he’s not going to make it until 7.” Neil knew nothing was going to happen this study session. Two members of the party were already drunk, one was completely incompetent, and he had absolutely no inspiration to get any work done. It was only Saturday and Sunday was always around.

“Wait, wait, we’re supposed to be studying biology right?” Meeks asked.

“Well, it’s mostly just me who needs help with that, although I’m sure Charlie could use help in any subject possible.”

Charlie shot him daggers. “Not true, in fact, I believe I had a higher average than you in geometry in ninth grade.”

“That was three years ago, doesn’t even count anymore. Besides it was by .4%” Neil defended himself.

“But you still remember, now what does that say about you Neily-boy?”

“Absolutely nothing,” it was Neil’s turn to glare now.

“I’m doing pretty well in bio if I do say so myself,” Pitts said smugly.

“Well obviously you do,” Meeks laughed.

Pitts lifted his chin haughtily, “What do you need help with Neil?”

“I just need to review the functions of each body system.”

“That’s a heavy task for such young shoulders to carry.” Meeks said.

“Whose shoulders are we talking about, mine or Pitts’?” Neil asked.

“God tell me if I had any idea. Everyone’s shoulders are heavy, are they not.” Meeks said. He was beginning to be completely incomprehensible.

“Whatever you say Meeksie,” Charlie said, half standing up and reaching across the table to pat Meeks’ head with a hand that was immediately swatted away.

They worked through Neil’s biology notes for about forty-five minutes, getting through far more than Neil would have thought possible with the group at hand. He was grateful though, for the frequent extremely confused remarks from Meeks’ side of the table and for Pitts trying to bring them back on track. He knew he was going to remember everything he had reviewed during this session. Neil looked up at the clock on the wall. It read 6:55 which meant that Knox was going to arrive soon and the entire plan for the evening was definitely going to fall apart then. Usually at this time, there were about seven teachers spread throughout the common room watching the boys and making sure they didn’t get into anything “mischievous.” Surprisingly, at the moment, the school was either short-staffed or something that needed adult attention was happening outside of the common room because there was only one teacher glancing nervously around the room. Mr. Califf, he was short, squat and fairly new, easy to pick on.

You could sense the restlessness throughout the hall. All of the boys were energetic, in a good mood. It was Saturday, they had all had a relaxing day today and they still didn’t have school tomorrow. It was the kind of night that you felt like something good was going to happen. 

The large wooden doors at the far end of the hall swung open, and, as Neil had expected, Knox sauntered in. Charlie jumped up yelling “Pretty boy has arrived.”

Knox grinned from across the room as he walked slowly towards the group. “I have arrived,” he called loudly, milking the attention and stares he was receiving from many of the younger boys who were glancing up, obviously failing to be as furtive as they meant to, from their various books and card games. Knox had a sort of reputation around the school as both pretty boy and truant alongside Charlie. He was extremely admired though, because somehow he was very near the top of the class and expected to study law at Harvard next year. 

Knox reached the table and slung himself in next to Neil. “Well boys, what are we doing tonight?”

“We’ve been studying.” Meeks said honestly.

“Well,” Knox said, slapping his back, “I think it’s time for a quick change to the schedule.”

Neil sighed. This definitely meant about thirty minutes of fun and then serious trouble for Knox for the next week. He was surprised his friend hadn’t been expelled yet, but then again, it was time for some fun wasn’t it. Knox pulled something small out of his pocket and Neil looked at it, confused. It was a small brass key.

Charlie’s eyes widened. “Is that what I think it is?”

Knox nodded, a wide grin creeping onto his face. “Are you going to let us in on the secret or should we just guess every door in the castle until we land on the right one?” Neil asked.

“Well boys, what I have here is the key to the party of a lifetime.”

Neil thought for a moment trying to think what door could possibly lead to the party of a lifetime. Surely not one of the teachers offices. Those just led to mothballs and dusty textbooks. “Sorry mate, but you're going to have to be a bit more specific than that.” He hung his lip, pretending to pout.

Knox rolled his eyes. “This here…” he paused dramatically, “is the key to the CD cabinet in this room we do now sit in.”

Neil smiled slyly as he realized what this meant.

“Well, what are we waiting for, let’s announce the party!” Charlie said excitedly. Before Neil could stop him, he stood up on the table. 

“Fellow classmates, I am happy to announce that this room is being taken over for an impromptu party. If you are under the age of,” Charlie paused, thinking, “14, or would prefer not to possibly have detention for the next week, then get out now.”

A few flustered students began to put away their books, looking extremely confused, but when Charlie said something, people tended to listen. He was very commanding. 

Mr. Califf was shouting protests walking against the tide of younger students leaving the room. “You can’t do this. I’m going to call the headmaster you all are going to be in a lot of trouble.”

Charlie jumped down from the table. “Now Mr. Califf I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.” The teacher tried desperately to push back against Charlie, to stay in the room any way he could, but the large group of older boys who were still in the room were too much for him and Charlie led him out of the room, closing and bolting the door as soon as he was completely out. Mr. Califf’s yells of protest could still be heard echoing throughout the hallway.

“Now boys,” Knox said, addressing everyone left in the room: “I’m going to need you to find something to bolt the door from the inside and clear out the center of the room. Put all the chairs in front of the door and make sure that all the windows are locked tight. We can’t have the teachers pulling anything before we have some fun, now can we.” There was a loud cheer as he finished talking and the sounds of chairs scraping across the floor began. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this should we?” Meek leaned over to whisper in Neil’s ear. Neil burst out laughing.

“Even drunk you can tell. This is possibly the worst idea anyone at this school has ever had, but I’m not going to stop them.” Meeks furrowed his eyebrows.

“If you say so, but this had better not get me in trouble.”

“If you’re careful it won’t” Neil grinned, escaping once the teachers busted them was half the fun of it. The chairs had now been completely cleared from around the tables, which were currently being pushed up underneath the high windows to provide a fast escape when it was needed, and it definitely would be. 

“I’m going to start the party with some music, but before I do, there are a few rules.” Knox shouted over the din of the already loud room. There were several groans, rules were always a massive damper on a good time. “Don’t look so glum, there are only two rules. 1: Don’t snitch. If you get caught, you were the only one here, no matter what they ask you.” There were nods of assent, this was just a code of honor that few people disobeyed and if they did, they received the cold shoulder from the entirety of their class for the rest of their time at the school. “2:” Knox yelled, “Get drunk.” There were several whoops and cheers and with that statement he pulled two large glass bottles out from inside his coat. 

Neil had no idea how, but somehow he had managed to smuggle that in. Charlie shoved a disc in the CD player. 

I remember when rock was young  
Me and Susie had so much fun  
Holding hands and skimming stones  
Had an old gold Chevy, and a place of my own  
But the biggest kick I ever got  
Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock  
While the other kids were rocking 'round the clock  
We were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock

Elton John, of course. Neil grinned. Trust Charlie to pick something good for a party. He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned. 

“Want one?” Pete asked. Neil didn’t know him that well, but he and Pete had been in the same class for two years, and a cigarette was a cigarette.

“Sure,” he said, nodding gratefully and pulling one out of the package and putting it between his lips. Pete took out a lighter and set Neil’s alight before moving on. 

For the next hour, Neil lost himself in second-hand smoke, shots from people’s mugs and music echoing loudly over the yells and bangs of teachers outside the door, desperately trying to break up this unpleasant demonstration of what one might call “teen spirit.”

Even as he slipped out of the window amidst loud yells of panic and the clattering of chairs being pushed aside, ran through the wet grass, cold air filling his lungs to the dam above the lake where he knew he could hide out while things calmed down, stood atop the stones looking over the water, arms outstretched, stars shining down on him, managing to completely forget about everything that had happened last night for the first time today, and eventually creeped quietly back up to his dorm where Todd was stretched out in bed, his eyes closed and an open book lying over his chest, looking completely at peace and lay down in his own bed, exhausted, he didn’t regret a single thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song used in this chapter is "Crocodile Rock" by Elton john from his 1973 album "Don't Shoot Me I'm The Only Piano Player" and i highly suggest you listen to the whole song and the rest of the album  
> *i did only hear this song for the first time today when mr. tommyinnit mentioned it during a stream but i've listened to the entire album three times already (i need help)  
> again, please comment and leave kudos i absolutely love hearing from u guys and have a great day/week or however long it takes me to get the next chapter out :)


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